My nutitional journey

Nutrition is key, thats what im always told. Thats what I believe but why cant I make it a consistent priority? 

For years, I hid food and ate in secret, I never wanted anyone to judge me for how much I was eating. Never wanted anyone to know. Ive now broken that habit but maybe not broken the food problem. 

I could eat my weight in pasta, crave carbs & salt like a crazy person, I want to break those cravings. 

I want to learn how to make my body, my nutrition a priority. 

Right now im great at eating during lunch time, I pack a lunch and eat whats there, usually meat, veggie, & cheese. I dont need carbs when im working. 

The carb cravings hit when I get home and im busy taking care of the baby or when he is in bed. My hubs is working so ai have no reason to cook. Is it boredom or is it something about when the sun goes down?

Tonight I made good choices, wings & water, then a low carb protein rich drink as a dessert. Usually I eat the equivalent to multiple meals bc im ravenous and havent planned it out. Why not eat cheese & crackers if its there and easy? Why not order a pizza if you get off work at 630? 

I know the nutrition equation: lots of veggies, lean/quality protein, minimal carbs (if you have carbs avoid the white ones). I know how to cook. Where is the disconnect? 

How do you guys do it? Do you cook after work? Do you have food ready to pop in the microwave? Do you keep yourself busy at night? Do you go to bed at 8 pm to not eat late? 

Starting over on a mission: Goals

I cant believe its been 7 years since I blogged. It feels literally like a lifetime ago. 

I am now married with a masters degree and a baby. 

Last time I was doing this fitness thing for myself, I think but I dont know if that was really my motivation or if it was to get a boyfriend ultimately. 

I had some luck in love back then but really I dated a bunch of fuck boys with no future. But ill get into those later if you like. 

My new motivation is to be healthy bc my health sucks right now. Im lethargic, get out of breath with everything and have an unhealthy obsession with carbs (ill tackle my eating habits soon in another post). I had to be put on blood pressure meds this year, had preeclampsia when I was pregnant with my son and am prediabetic on metformin for that & PCOS (which helps keep weight on). 

My goals for this year ( bc why not, its New Years anyways):

1. Get off all meds by next Jan

2. Lose 25# by June

3. Work out 3 days a week consistently by March

4. Type up these gems 2 times a week. 

Sw: 350

Short term goal weight: 325

Ultimate GW: 250

What did I do today to start my goal: write a blog, get up early to work out and did a workout in this space

Pictures of myself for reference during this journey

Anger

So I've been gone a long time from this blog.  I will update you in a few but first the major issue.

Anger:  As I get older, I feel like I get angrier.  I am angry at people, the state of the world, and whole groups of people.  I am angry that people can be so narrow minded.  I am angry at myself for being angry.  It actually scares me that I can't let the anger go.  I can't seem to find peace in anything and that is so very frustrating for me since I have been such a happy and easy going person for so long.  What is wrong with me, what have I been doing that is so toxic to my soul?  Why can't I accept that I will have a differing opinion or that people will be stupid/ignorant/bigotted/etc in the world?

I NEED an attitude change.  Where do I start?  Is it all stemming from my depression?

Things I need to do:

-Be more active
-Spend more time in quiet reflection/prayer/reading
-Spend less time being judgmental
-Forgive people I HAVE to interact with for being close minded
-Remember that I am strong enough to cope with anything I do
-Remember that God doesn't give you more than you can handle
-Friends here aren't necessarily true friends
-True friends are worth holding onto and loving

I am going to take some time tomorrow to get away from the world and contemplate life.

Update:
-In grad school in St. Augustine, FL
-In love with a wonderful man named Scott whom I have been dating for a year 8/7
-Best friends: Carolyn (we never talk sadly), Ashley, Heather, Katie
-Mom and Dad bought a farm in VA

Growth

"A man's growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends"~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Now of course people reading this may have a completely different take on this quote than I do, and I welcome the comments and discourse. 

I feel like this quote is talking about the successive (meaning progression or following an order) friendships.  As you grow up, you develop different kinds of relationships.  As a child, I always gravitated towards the friends that I had common interests with.  Like pretty much all other kids, I spent my days playing games and pretending.  I wanted a friend that could keep up with me when it came to pretending because I couldn't stand to be bored. 

As I got older, I developed friendships that were more of convenience and sometimes even because we were both outcasts.  As a child that was often bullied, I would become friends with the other kids that weren't quite part of the group.  Of course that sounds very sad, but I believe that since friendships didn't come easily to me and people didn't use me for anything, I feel like I have a greater appreciation for people.  Now of course, I sometimes have problems thinking that someone would use me for anything because I still have a tendency to think that I don't have anything that anyone wants or could use.  That comes back to me needing to evaluate more before devoting myself to someone.

As a college student, I spent a lot of time drinking and making friends over a pint or shots.  I believe that only a few true/close friends followed me out of college.  Those people have seen the best and the worst of me. 

And now, as an adult, and even more recently, like the last two years, I have found that I am seeking out more meaningful relationships.  I no longer crave the quantity but the quality.  I crave the ability to call my best friend up and have a REAL, honest conversation with her and know that she won't hate me or judge me for my words. 

I am supremely grateful for the lovely people that I call my friends.  There are 7 that I can truly call on if I needed something, and its a wonderful feeling to have.  They may not always be my favorite people because they make me hear the hard truths that I may not see or I overlook, but they will always be honest and loving.  You know who you are and I love you for it!

New Goals and Missions

Hey everybody!  I have new goals and new things that I want to accomplish.  I want to write positivity into the universe and try to downplay the negative.  For a long time I was struggling with depression and using this as an outlet.  Now I am just going to try to write twice a week and see what comes out. 

Yesterday, a friend of mine brought me a jar of quotes that I gave her for her 30th bday.  She insisted that I take them because I needed them more than her.  She is right.  I have been diving into my subconscious and trying to find my faults, fears, and patterns and try to change them.  I have also been reading Brene Brown's book: The Gift of Imperfection.  My psychologist recommended it a year ago and I only ever got through the first 2 chapters.  Again, I am trying to get through the content because it is a heavy book.  Wonderful, but a lot to take on and actually try to look at yourself.  I do recommend it to anyone that is curious or struggles with feeling like they have to be perfect or everything for everyone.

The book is challenging all of my beliefs about how I have to be perfect all the time, how to be my true authentic self, and how to pick out people in my life that are worthy of trust, me opening up to them.  The last part might sound kind of harsh, but bear with me.  I have had a bad habit (pattern) where I open up to everyone and bluntly put my vulnerabilities on the line just to get crushed or heartbroken (by friends and lovers).  Its hard for me to have a surface (shallow) relationship with someone, and I need to learn how to make a distinction between a true friend and someone that is fun to spend time with but not necessarily someone that can handle my truth/vulnerabilities. 

This is a very hard and intimate journey that I am going to travel, but on the other side I will be a stronger and braver person.  Might be a few friends shorter, but I will find the ones that are quality and not just the quantity that I have always had.

So the journey:
-Go through the book step by step and report my progress on here.
-Grab a quote from the jar daily and spend a little time talking about it. 

Month of Thanks

I don't really buy into the 30 days of Thanks that everyone does on facebook.  There are two reasons for that:
1. I would forget around day 3 and then have to catch up the rest of the month on Thanksgiving and they would be crap
2. I feel like November should not be the only month where we post what we are thankful for.  You should be thankful all the time and try not to take anything for granted.

Well here is my list of what I am thankful for in no particular order.  I was reading some people's post on facebook and I realize that I am so blessed and it is so easy to get lulled into a false sense of security and never really appreciate what is around you. 

1. God

I know a lot of people that are my friends know that I am a Christian but sadly may not know how important my faith is to me.  No I am not a regular church goer because I have a hard time connecting to churches in general, but I do love Jesus and try to worship in my own way everyday. 

God has played a big part in my journey all my life but specifically the last year.  I had lost my faith a few years back because of lack of study and also really bad unhealthy Christians around me.  I had become jaded because of people's use of Christian when they weren't Christ like at all.  So I walked back to God with the help of Lisa and Rachel.  Lisa saw my need and pain and directed me to a program at Southcrest church in Newnan where I met Rachel.  Rachel was completely patient and helped me delve into my issues and questions about God.  I never realized how far I had gotten until I was directed back.  God has guided me to this exact point where I am today because I needed to feel it and experience it.  Without all of the trails that I have gone through I would have never become the compassionate person that I am today.  God gave me the strength to get through this year and find a new path.  A new path that will help me work towards my goals. 

2. Family

Anyone that has met me knows that I am freakishly close to my family.  I think my biggest fear is losing them.  They are constant pillars of strength in my life.  My parents are the ones that instilled in me that I needed to always try my best and never half ass anything.  My parents are amazing because they are allowing me to follow my dreams of going back to school and have taken me to raise again (since financial aid isn't available to me).  They encourage me and challenge me.  I don't know how I would have turned out if I didn't have my family support. 

3. Friends

I have always struggled with making and keeping good friends.  They always somehow drift out of my life and leave me heart broken.  In the last few years that has changed though.  Maybe because I have settled down and don't want to change friends or because I genuinely have found a connection.  Throughout the years people have used me for my generous and loving nature but very few people have stood by me through thick and thin.  Even fewer didn't come attached with ultimatums.  I can remember distinctly a few of these ultimatums where someone had told me that we would no longer be friends if I couldn't make it to the bar this day or couldn't get out of a commitment.  That's not real friendship....

My best friends have shown me in the last year that I can rely on them if I need it.  They have been my cheerleaders, my shoulders to cry on, and understanding of my hectic, sometimes crazy schedule. Its wonderful to finally have this.  I love being able to be there for them just as much as they are for me and it is wonderful. 

Okay, I have to get back to classes!  And I have many many more things that I am thankful for but those are the main areas of my life! 

A Healthy Approach to Dating

I've never been a good dater.  I always get too close too quickly and always fall too hard.  This is partly my personality and partly because I've always struggled with my own insecurities.  If you know me, you know that I love to be close to people and get to know everything about them.  That's why I became a counselor and why I was so good at investigating.  I am not shy about being nosy and I don't really apologize for it.  Throughout my life, I have been insecure about people really liking me for me.  This is a reason why I am really good at acting because I have been doing it forever.  When I was younger, I would always find people that I wanted to be friends with and gear m personality to be who they would like. 

I have finally figured out in the last year that people like me for me.  Partly because I have finally gotten comfortable with who I am and not constantly apologizing for my weird little idiosyncrasies and eccentricities that make me Megan.  I've dated more guys that I can count but they rarely get serious because I am good at hiding who I truly am.  I can play the game better than most guys I date.  Well: NEWS FLASH: I quit.  I no longer want to play these games and refuse to soften, quiet, stifle myself to be someone he wants to date.  There have been many times that I have to tone down my personality and become less bubbly or friendly to be able to not make the guy nervous.  Screw him!  Be nervous or uncomfortable, because this is me!!  I want to be me, no apologies.

I know the consequences to these actions: I will scare off many men before I find one that can handle me, but in the mean time I will focus on school, family, and friends.  I'm pretty happy at this point in my life.  I'm kicking ass at school, eating healthy, and working out (okay not as much as I should since bootcamp isn't every morning for me anymore).  I have more loyal friends than I can count and I am thankful for them everyday. 

My plan for dating is: to guard my heart, really get to know the person, not sacrifice my character and life for them, and don't pretend to be the completely put together robot that I have so many times presented myself as.

World, watch out you have a Megan coming your way and she isn't apologizing anymore because I am worthy of that love and affection now, not when I'm the toned down, skinnier, prettier version of myself.  NOW!