March On!

So I just realized that I took the entire month of February off. I didn't mean to, but I've been dealing with a lot of things. I started counseling and also started working with a spiritual life coach (I don't actually know if that is the word for it). I realized within the last month that I am struggling with faith. I realized that I have been going through the motions with church and God; I had been trying to fill my life with meaningless things and plan my life. It didn't work and I'm at square one working through all of my issues. I am determined to be stronger and more focused.

The first steps.....

First off, I am starting counseling next week.  I will be working through my issues and my neuroses.  I want to make myself the best person I can be.  I also want to see why I ever let myself get to this point: eating, weight, allowing unhealthy relationships.  The hardest part was getting to the point of making the appointments.  I have always thought that since i'm a counselor I need to be able to fix myself but I have finally realized that we all need someone to talk to.  I am pretty excited to see what I learn about myself and what I can get from this.  I want to learn and grow.

Second, I realized today how far I have come.  There have been some new people coming around bootcamp who are close to my initial activity level.  I sometimes forget how far I have come.  When I started I couldn't run up the warm up hill.  If you are just starting to read my blog you should look at the first couple of entries.  I didn't know if I would be able to complete the 2 months I paid for.  I actually didn't know if I would be able to get through my work day after I worked out.  I never thought that I could quit smoking and now I have for a year since I smoked regularly.  My asthma has gotten better, it will never be cured but if I forget my inhaler I don't die.  I can't wait to see what the next year brings.  Also a giant shout out to the people who have given me hand me ups!!  I am accepting sizes 14-18 right now. Any donations would be appreciated because I am poor and need to save my money for my new wardrobe which will happen in the next year or so.

So in conclusion: If you are just starting out, don't give up!  It is worth the hard work you put in!  Don't let me kid you, it is not easy and it takes ton of dedication.  Don't be scared to ask for help.  I wouldn't have been able to get through this without all of the support I've had.  If you commit to doing one thing everyday you can get to your goals.  I went a little crazy and did everything at the same time.  If you can do that it gets you to your goals in less time (partly).



September 2011                                          January 2013

These pictures have made me realize that I'm doing something right!

Let go, Let God.

So i've been struggling lately.  My relationship status is back to single and its one of the hardest things that I have to do right now.  Not me being single but watching my sweet boy face the world without a support system.  He says he has to do it on his own, and that kills me.  He is probably reading this and pissed that I said anything.....(sorry).  I am a huge believer in having a support system around you and leaning on people for support.  I am just worried and that is what makes everything worse because I could deal with being single if I knew that he had a support system and people to lean on.  I could deal with letting him go as a boyfriend if he could accept my friendship.  I have been praying and I know that i'm supposed to be in his life in some form or fashion.  I'm not patient at all when things like this happen, the unknown scares the shit out of me.  I just want to be able to help.  The following video is called Waiting on an Angel by Ben Harper.  Its an amazing song and seems to fit.  

Well anyways, on top of that I am going to start counseling (me being counseled) because I need to get some of my insecurities and eating issues under control.  I just want to be the best person I can be and hopefully figure out my issues.  I'm gonna go now and get ready for work, but I thought that I would talk for a minute....

On a happier note: My 1 year bootcamp anniversary is coming up.  I need to figure out what I am going to do to celebrate.  What do you guys think?  Also that will be the 1 year anniversary of my job and my conscious decision to stop smoking even though my last puff of a cigarette didn't happen until July.  I didn't buy anymore after Feb 6th and couldn't smoke a whole cigarette after that either.  Josh asked me today if I miss it, and I really don't.  I still love the smell sometimes but I don't miss not being able to breathe in the morning.  The only time I contemplate having one is when I am drunk, but now no one that I hang out with often smokes.  So its so much easier when you aren't constantly around it.  Well okay, i'm gonna really go now!

Judge Jury Executioner

I have been having a very rough time with my anxiety.  I continue to delve into people's meanings about things and overanalyze/worry about every decision I make.  I know that I need to stop this but for some reason I feel like I do this worse than most people and don't know how I got this way.  As the title says, I am my own judge jury and executioner.  I make my own problems worse with this overanalyzation.  I wish I could turn it off but its much harder than that.  Life is hunkydory other than that.  I still have my job, I have an amazing guy/family/friends, and I'm studying for the GRE.  I shouldn't complain or worry.  Today I am editing my thoughts a lot because I feel like I might rant forever on here about all of my worrying.  You guys don't read this crazy blog for that, you guys read it for my strides in exercise and weight loss.  I hear you, I'm getting to it.  I know that this whole journey is about my whole life becoming healthier which includes my emotional health.

Anyways,
I have lost the 10 lbs I gained over Christmas Holidays.  I have been eating no carbs and following the paleo.  I'm not perfect but it seems to be helping.  I want to get down past the 250 mark.  I need to get below it and I will know that it is possible.  I have been struggling with cutting out the carbs again this time.  I love them and I am severely addicted to them.  I have fallen 2-3 times since I started again.  I have mixed feelings about having to go off them completely.  I think part of that is that I don't want my body to not be able to process them in the future.  What kind of life is that?  I need to stop caring about food so much.  I need to keep my mind busy so that I don't keep obsessing about food.  I know I have more willpower than that.  I can get this weight off and keep it off.  I will one day not be ruled by what I eat but until that point I have to keep my head down and eat what is good for me.  I have been throwing around the idea of doing weight watchers again but I don't know if I should.  What do you think?  I mean it did work for me, but paleo is working well too.  I know that there will be more dietary restrictions in different ways for weight watchers.  Hm.....we will see! By my calculations I have 100 more pounds around to go.  I didn't think that it was that much, but yeah.  I guess I have a lot more work that I thought I had.  But I have to think of it this way, I have   to continue to think that I have come so far.  I have lost so much and kept it off, and I'm doing it the healthy way.  Okay....woosah!  I can do this.  I can be healthy and bring on the sexy.  Okay, going to study for the GRE so that I can stop saying i'm going to grad school and actually do it!

The Horrid Holidays!!!

So I decided to fall off the wagon and tumble down the hill in November and December.  I ate everything that I wanted or could get my hands on.  I put back on 10 lbs.  I about cried when I found out what I could do when I don't watch what I eat.  So I have climbed back on the wagon.  I am doing a paleo challenge with all of the other newbies.  I have cut out bread/starches and am sticking to veggies and meats.  I liked the results I had before so I am doing this again and hopefully it will help me get this weight back off.

I got very scared that I was just going to put the weight back on but I just had to suck it up and just do it!!!  I will lose this weight and keep it off.

Here is the good news:  I officially own my car without a payment, my insurance company found me a discount, and I got a raise.  Also, I tried on a dress because it was pretty at Ross and looked at the tag and it was a SIZE 14!!!  Yay!!!  I bought it and it was amazing!!  My first size was a 24 in January of last year, so ha!

Also, I have the most amazing boyfriend.  I have been having anxiety and depression problems and instead of thinking that I am a horrible person, he helps me through my anxiety.  I don't know what else to say about him without making everyone puke!  Anyways, i'm gonna get back to watching the second season of Downtown Abbey.  Its addicting!!

PT test December!

So its been a long year.  There have been so many changes in my life!  I'm sure that if you have read my blog you know most of them.  Its been a whirlwind and there have been ups and downs.  I got to play Santa last night which was a joy because these kids were so excited about getting gifts from me.  I couldn't help but realize that my job really does help these kids.  I sometimes don't realize it especially when the kids are bored of talking to you all the time.  One of my kids get to go home from the group home he was in because he met all of his goals!!

We have Christmas tomorrow and I have been waiting on my presents to be delivered.  Of course I didn't order them until Tuesday, oops!!  I think I did pretty well on the gifts, but I have to finish one!  Ben has been super helpful giving me ideas because my mind was blank.  Pretty much he is great and he gets to go with us to Virginia on Saturday!!  I'm excited for him to meet my crazy family and super nervous, but hey he already knows i'm crazy so he will figure out where I got it!

So we have been having 3 day a week camps for 2 months now.  Its super hard for me to do 3 days a week for some reason, you would think that it is easier but I think the routine of having to go to bed at the right time is better.  When it is a 3 day camp I will stay up too late on some days and then forget to go to bed early other days.  Either way its been a great holiday season!

We did a PT test today!  It was not my best time but it was also freezing outside (literally) and super windy.  I did finally beat the 30, because I hadn't been able to get to 30 sit ups in the past months.  This month I got to 32 (in a minute)!!!!!  I have been having trouble with my shoulders so the dips and such haven't been that good.  I haven't gained or lost any weight, but one of my lovely co-bootcampers said that I looked skinnier, so I'll take that.

Also for anyone that is interested, we start another 6 week/3 day a week camp!!!  You guys should come and join me in the mornings.  I will be working out with people 5 days a week because I need to keep getting up, but the 3 day is a good way to get used to getting up so early!!!  Ask me how to join if you want to!

Many Blessings

There are many things that I worry about constantly, thats what you do when you have anxiety.  You worry yourself to death over the little things.  Lately I have been worrying about how I am going to pay the bills and get Christmas presents for my family.  I know that many people have it worse than me but I still worry.  I worry like probably 90% of people do.  We are told in Matthew 6:24 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.".  I don't listen usually listen to this verse very well, but I've been learning to with the help of some people in my life.  I'm learning to take it one day at a time and ask for help if I need it.  

I have to be happy because the most important things in life I have.  I have my family who puts up with more from me than they should and friends who are amazing to me.  I was told by my mom the other day that she prays for my happiness everyday.  I have forgotten how to pray for the good things lately.  I usually just pray for my wants and needs and forget to praise him for what he has done in my life.  Tonight How I met your mother (oddly enough) reminded me that my life rocks.  I have finally gotten what I have been praying for, for years.  I prayed that I would have people love me for me and not judge me.  I have finally surrounded myself with people that truly care about me.  I'm talking about everyone that I truly call friends.  Its kind of fitting that I have this feeling to write about this right before Christmas but hey lets be corny for once.  

I don't really want to talk about the workout thing because its been a rough month.  I haven't been eating well but i'll get back on it and I won't be conquered by my addiction to food.  

I want to think everyone again who has supported me on my journey and also to those people in my life that can get me to calm down when I have a panic attack (even when we both don't know whats happening).   

And a big shout out to my mom and dad who have their 30th wedding anniversary on Wednesday the day after Christmas!!!  I hope that I can be as happy and in love as you guys one day!