Blues

Some days you wonder why your feelings just won't go away. Today is one of those days, I've been trying to shake the heartbreak but it keeps settling in like an old friend. I'm no longer devastated but I do still wonder why I deserved that treatment and why I care so much still. I should be able to kick the blues permanently. A very wise person told me today that my deep lasting feelings were because I was actually in love with him fully and it is strength that allows me to admit that I am still hurting. I'm gonna get through this and be better for it.  I know, I hear people thinking "get over it already" and I tell myself that too but it gets better everyday. Today is an exception bc I found out that he was cheating on me and immediately started dating that girl when he left me. It hurts, partly bc I want the bastard to feel my pain and also bc I don't really get how horrible selfish people get the good things in life. Life isn't fair, but I do have some pretty awesome people who get me through. Now to work on what is really important: theater, health, and getting into grad school. Oh and go to work!! 

Being Choosy

 

Both of these pictures are very true for me.  I have realized that I always date fixer upper guys.  I need to learn how to pick ones that aren't mental patients, hobos, or mutes.  I have been going through some counseling and finally figured out that I am the problem in these relationships.  I subconsciously think that I don't deserve to have a great guy.  Its pretty cool that I have realized what my problem has been and I can work on my self esteem in order to start believing that I deserve more.  I can be told all day long that I'm great, wonderful, etc, but as we know people don't always believe what others tell them, and usually can make them think that someone is just pitying them. 

 

I'm working on my self esteem and its been getting better.  I tell myself everyday that I'm worth everything and anything that I want.  So that has been my focus for a while.  I'm also working on reading a book that is titled "The gift of Imperfections"-Brene Brown (I recommend it).  I have realized that I am constantly looking at my next goal and never satisfied about what I have. I'm sure that explains a lot about me, especially when it comes to being happy with others.  I'm very grateful for my friends/family and am trying to remember that I'm accomplished.  Okay, i'm getting distracted by the tv so I will type more, but I will try to type more soon! 

 

Next: FOCUS

 

 

Tragedy, and a little perspective.

Today was the Boston marathon, something that is a huge event where thousands compete and thousands more spectate. As you probably know there was a bombing today at the finish line. I heard this today and broke down. It takes a special kind if dedication to train, sign up, and complete a marathon. It makes me physically ill when I think that these people were harmed and someone would place a bomb at an event like this. Yes I know it has happened before and may happen again, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around the evil in the world.

If you have ever read my blog you know my journey, and today I had a sobering moment where my "tragedy" was put I to perspective. I am a very blessed person who has never had to be through one of these tragedies and I pray for everyone that has been touched by this!!

Through the last few weeks I have also gotten some perspective from diving into the Bible. God has shown me that my focus has been so selfish and petty. I have been working on that and sincerely apologize to anyone that I have hurt through my selfishness. I have realized that my hurts I have been going through are all in a huge effort to get me to become a real Christian. I'm sure some of my non religious friends just cringed at that label bc they think of the fake Christians that judge and act like they are perfect. Well I can say that I was a fake Christian for a long time bc I could tell you all the answers but it never felt real to me. Today it feels real and I'm actually studying it and care about what God says. Don't worry I'm not going to become preachy or judgmental bc that still annoys me. I'm me but my focus has changed towards something that isn't me based.

I'm still going to be a neurotic, caffeine wired, sarcastic theater nerd! I just will try to think about others more and make sure that I try to say things out of love vs. sarcasm!! I'm still a huge work in progress and will have to take it one day at a time!!

Update on fitness: I'm still on my plateau but I'm letting that worry go bc stress won't help my weight loss!! I have to thank everyone that has been so supportive during my journey! I have realized that through this whole year I have not only been losing weight but also learning how to approach the world in a whole new way. I am transforming everything! Not only getting healthy physically but also spiritually, mentally, and emotionally!!

Tragedy, and a little perspective.

Today was the Boston marathon, something that is a huge event where thousands compete and thousands more spectate. As you probably know there was a bombing today at the finish line. I heard this today and broke down. It takes a special kind if dedication to train, sign up, and complete a marathon. It makes me physically ill when I think that these people were harmed and someone would place a bomb at an event like this. Yes I know it has happened before and may happen again, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around the evil in the world.

If you have ever read my blog you know my journey, and today I had a sobering moment where my "tragedy" was put I to perspective. I am a very blessed person who has never had to be through one of these tragedies and I pray for everyone that has been touched by this!!

Through the last few weeks I have also gotten some perspective from diving into the Bible. God has shown me that my focus has been so selfish and petty. I have been working on that and sincerely apologize to anyone that I have hurt through my selfishness. I have realized that my hurts I have been going through are all in a huge effort to get me to become a real Christian. I'm sure some of my non religious friends just cringed at that label bc they think of the fake Christians that judge and act like they are perfect. Well I can say that I was a fake Christian for a long time bc I could tell you all the answers but it never felt real to me. Today it feels real and I'm actually studying it and care about what God says. Don't worry I'm not going to become preachy or judgmental bc that still annoys me. I'm me but my focus has changed towards something that isn't me based.

I'm still going to be a neurotic, caffeine wired, sarcastic theater nerd! I just will try to think about others more and make sure that I try to say things out of love vs. sarcasm!! I'm still a huge work in progress and will have to take it one day at a time!!

Update on fitness: I'm still on my plateau but I'm letting that worry go bc stress won't help my weight loss!! I have to thank everyone that has been so supportive during my journey! I have realized that through this whole year I have not only been losing weight but also learning how to approach the world in a whole new way. I am transforming everything! Not only getting healthy physically but also spiritually, mentally, and emotionally!!

Positivity

I had a very tough morning today. Most of it has to do with the fact that I'm exhausted from working out twice a day this month. I have been struggling with the number on the scale a lot and it seems like its staying stagnant right above 250. Yes I'm losing inches and poundage but that number is haunting my sleep.

This morning I was super sore from my workouts yesterday and got down on myself. I, of course, broke down and decided to have a pity party but luckily was given a positive talking to from two amazing men (Leo/Ernie). They made me stop saying "not" and start thinking about what I have done. I have these negative thoughts (like everyone does sometimes) but have to combat them with positivity. I think my negative self talk is my greatest enemy.

So I'm working on getting off that train and taking never, not, can't, etc out of my vocabulary. You know why? Bc I can do it. I've proven that I can with every time I get up in the morning and every time I make the better choice eating. I do it with the picture below and the fact that I have lost 50 lbs in a year, and who knows how much I've changed my bmi! I never had it measured before but I'm sure I was off the charts. I haven't gotten where I want to be but I will get there. I will be stronger and have made the good habits that won't take me back to where I was. I have noticed that through this journey that I praise/encourage everyone else but forget to give myself that same praise. As Josh told me today "how long did it take to get unhealthy?" I answered about 10 years and he said "then give yourself a break bc 10 years won't be fixed in a year and look at how far you have gone".

The picture below is about a year apart!

March On!

So I just realized that I took the entire month of February off. I didn't mean to, but I've been dealing with a lot of things. I started counseling and also started working with a spiritual life coach (I don't actually know if that is the word for it). I realized within the last month that I am struggling with faith. I realized that I have been going through the motions with church and God; I had been trying to fill my life with meaningless things and plan my life. It didn't work and I'm at square one working through all of my issues. I am determined to be stronger and more focused.

The first steps.....

First off, I am starting counseling next week.  I will be working through my issues and my neuroses.  I want to make myself the best person I can be.  I also want to see why I ever let myself get to this point: eating, weight, allowing unhealthy relationships.  The hardest part was getting to the point of making the appointments.  I have always thought that since i'm a counselor I need to be able to fix myself but I have finally realized that we all need someone to talk to.  I am pretty excited to see what I learn about myself and what I can get from this.  I want to learn and grow.

Second, I realized today how far I have come.  There have been some new people coming around bootcamp who are close to my initial activity level.  I sometimes forget how far I have come.  When I started I couldn't run up the warm up hill.  If you are just starting to read my blog you should look at the first couple of entries.  I didn't know if I would be able to complete the 2 months I paid for.  I actually didn't know if I would be able to get through my work day after I worked out.  I never thought that I could quit smoking and now I have for a year since I smoked regularly.  My asthma has gotten better, it will never be cured but if I forget my inhaler I don't die.  I can't wait to see what the next year brings.  Also a giant shout out to the people who have given me hand me ups!!  I am accepting sizes 14-18 right now. Any donations would be appreciated because I am poor and need to save my money for my new wardrobe which will happen in the next year or so.

So in conclusion: If you are just starting out, don't give up!  It is worth the hard work you put in!  Don't let me kid you, it is not easy and it takes ton of dedication.  Don't be scared to ask for help.  I wouldn't have been able to get through this without all of the support I've had.  If you commit to doing one thing everyday you can get to your goals.  I went a little crazy and did everything at the same time.  If you can do that it gets you to your goals in less time (partly).



September 2011                                          January 2013

These pictures have made me realize that I'm doing something right!