Between Love and Madness

Between Love and Madness lies obsession: Calvin Klein!

That is what Operation bootcamp has become for me! I'm obsessed with it. I am more dedicated to it then anything else in my life right now. I have been working so hard and I finally feel like I am doing some of my best work. I feel amazing! Right now I'm still up on my high from the morning! I can't get enough of the working out or the people that I do it with.

I've been struggling this month with the concept of what pushing really is. I have been pushing don't get me wrong but I have been holding myself back from pushing til I puke. I did that about 2 weeks ago and I finally did puke and I felt what I really was capable of. I'm not saying that I want to puke every morning but every morning since then I have had that feeling for at least a second. I'm obviously crazy because I love that feeling. I got that feeling this morning as I was running the last stretch of the mile. I get this head rush feeling and want to pass out but eventually I will be able to slow down my breathing and it will go away. I won't die....thats been the biggest realization this month....I will live through it!

Security blankets have also been on my mind. Since I had been smoking about a pack/2 packs a week for 10 years before I started this bootcamp thing I have been thinking about security blankets. I think I was smoking because it helps calm me. I still have those stressed out days and i think I want one. But guess what? I smell or take a puff of one and I am consistently grossed out. Heather has been helping me and refuses to allow me to have any when we are at the bar surrounded by smoking.

Another security blanket for me has been my weight.  I know that sounds crazy but I have never been thin or in shape.  I don't know what I will be without this extra weight on me.  I have always been the funny fat girl.  I have always been the one where people see me for my personality and not what I look like.  I want to continue to be that person and am scared that other people will only pay attention to my body.  Weird but I'm so used to how people perceive me and it may not be a legitimate fear for some people but its there.  I'm not sabotaging myself by any means and am trying my hardest to get past it.  I spend my time thinking about these things because this journey through bootcamp is not just to have a better body but to make myself better as a person.  I will not be just the pretty face!  I will be the beautiful person that I see in my little sister and my friends who are beautiful not only on the outside but exude an energy and personality that is beautiful!