Random goal

My goal for next Halloween is to be able to pull off Tom Cruise in Risky Business next year!!!! Gotta tone and lose weight! Not quite brave enough this year!!! 

Started plexus accelerator yesterday, hopefully it will give me the push I need. Bc my body is refusing to lose, but I'm maintaining.  

I need some good non boring low calorie recipes, preferably easy!! Help please!! I'm busy and need something different so I don't cheat!!! 

Stand still

It's been far too long since I felt my life was moving forward. It's like my life got stopped and I don't know how to take that next step forward. My brain seems stuck and I can't make it think the things I want it to. It won't listen to me. 

I have lots of confessions to make:

I've gained some of the weight back

I am eating like shit

I have zero motivation

I wish I could afford to go back to talk to my counselor. Maybe when I get paid. Maybe someone that reads this can help me figure out how to get the drive, fire and motivation back..... 

A perfect circle

It's like a merry go round that I can't get off of. I continue to chase the love in front of me but never catch up. I get distracted by the things around me but like that house I'm riding I gallop forward never to gain or move. The only motion I do make is up and down. I get the infatuation and the heartbreak but never the sustaining love that all of us desperately chase after. Again I find myself in the cycle where I allow myself to feel, hope, and fall in only to be disappointed and broken in the end. I'm very tired of that crushing feeling on my chest and the spinning of my wheels. I'm stuck in the quicksand of heartbreak and the more I struggle the more it pulls. 

Many of you read this hoping for something happy and cheerful. Sorry to disappoint tonight. The last two people really did a number on me. 

The silver lining is that I know it will get better and with each day I will get up and not give up hope that one day my horse will break free and I will get to the prize I've been waiting for. I will get to my goals whatever they are bc I am stronger than any emotion I have or any curve ball life throws at me. I will have the courage to brush off the dirt and hurt and try again. 

So tomorrow I will try again for one step forward and allow myself to feel and process. The outcome is unknown but that is half the fun is getting the surprise and taking the journey. 

Taking the Excuses to the dump!

This has been a challenge for me recently because it has been so easy for me to stay in bed.  I have to convince myself to get out of bed constantly because I'm just so tired.  I missed 2 weeks of bootcamp, the most I have ever missed since I started in February of last year.  I just couldn't do it, I got discouraged and tried to give up.  The problem with that is that you start getting depressed and feeling worthless when you do that.  I also start drinking more when i'm not having to get up every morning at 5:00 AM. 

I want to outline my goals for right now because a lot of things are changing and morphing:

1. Go to bootcamp everyday that I can (may be impossible during hell week (theater) and if not at bootcamp then I must work out in some capacity (outside of dancing at the show)

2. Lose one more jeans size.  I want to comfortably be able to fit into size 16 pants by the end of October. 

3. I want to get below 200 by January.

4. Eat healthier everyday, don't cheat, just eat what fuels me.  If I do cheat (come on it happens), remember that it isn't the end of the world and just do better the next meal.  But don't cheat in the first place, yeah!

5. Drink 5 Aquafina (1 Liter) bottles of water a day.  I don't waste bottles I just refill them but that is how I measure them.

6. Be able to run a mile under 13 minutes, that is where it has been stable forever, and I want it to go down.  I would say by the end of September

Here are the changes that have been happening lately:

A> I decided that I wanted to change career paths so I have decided to start the process of getting into grad school.  Which entails me going to Clayton State for a year for biology classes and then getting into Occupational Therapy School. 

B> I'm doing a show for the first time in 2 years.  I will actually be on Stage.  I'm doing 3 parts in this show and I am super excited. Its a musical and all of you should come. 

C> I want to start branching out socially but am poor as crap!  I really want to sky dive! 

Alrighty I'm out because I have to start my dance rehearsal.  Love you guys! 

Blues

Some days you wonder why your feelings just won't go away. Today is one of those days, I've been trying to shake the heartbreak but it keeps settling in like an old friend. I'm no longer devastated but I do still wonder why I deserved that treatment and why I care so much still. I should be able to kick the blues permanently. A very wise person told me today that my deep lasting feelings were because I was actually in love with him fully and it is strength that allows me to admit that I am still hurting. I'm gonna get through this and be better for it.  I know, I hear people thinking "get over it already" and I tell myself that too but it gets better everyday. Today is an exception bc I found out that he was cheating on me and immediately started dating that girl when he left me. It hurts, partly bc I want the bastard to feel my pain and also bc I don't really get how horrible selfish people get the good things in life. Life isn't fair, but I do have some pretty awesome people who get me through. Now to work on what is really important: theater, health, and getting into grad school. Oh and go to work!! 

Being Choosy

 

Both of these pictures are very true for me.  I have realized that I always date fixer upper guys.  I need to learn how to pick ones that aren't mental patients, hobos, or mutes.  I have been going through some counseling and finally figured out that I am the problem in these relationships.  I subconsciously think that I don't deserve to have a great guy.  Its pretty cool that I have realized what my problem has been and I can work on my self esteem in order to start believing that I deserve more.  I can be told all day long that I'm great, wonderful, etc, but as we know people don't always believe what others tell them, and usually can make them think that someone is just pitying them. 

 

I'm working on my self esteem and its been getting better.  I tell myself everyday that I'm worth everything and anything that I want.  So that has been my focus for a while.  I'm also working on reading a book that is titled "The gift of Imperfections"-Brene Brown (I recommend it).  I have realized that I am constantly looking at my next goal and never satisfied about what I have. I'm sure that explains a lot about me, especially when it comes to being happy with others.  I'm very grateful for my friends/family and am trying to remember that I'm accomplished.  Okay, i'm getting distracted by the tv so I will type more, but I will try to type more soon! 

 

Next: FOCUS

 

 

Tragedy, and a little perspective.

Today was the Boston marathon, something that is a huge event where thousands compete and thousands more spectate. As you probably know there was a bombing today at the finish line. I heard this today and broke down. It takes a special kind if dedication to train, sign up, and complete a marathon. It makes me physically ill when I think that these people were harmed and someone would place a bomb at an event like this. Yes I know it has happened before and may happen again, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around the evil in the world.

If you have ever read my blog you know my journey, and today I had a sobering moment where my "tragedy" was put I to perspective. I am a very blessed person who has never had to be through one of these tragedies and I pray for everyone that has been touched by this!!

Through the last few weeks I have also gotten some perspective from diving into the Bible. God has shown me that my focus has been so selfish and petty. I have been working on that and sincerely apologize to anyone that I have hurt through my selfishness. I have realized that my hurts I have been going through are all in a huge effort to get me to become a real Christian. I'm sure some of my non religious friends just cringed at that label bc they think of the fake Christians that judge and act like they are perfect. Well I can say that I was a fake Christian for a long time bc I could tell you all the answers but it never felt real to me. Today it feels real and I'm actually studying it and care about what God says. Don't worry I'm not going to become preachy or judgmental bc that still annoys me. I'm me but my focus has changed towards something that isn't me based.

I'm still going to be a neurotic, caffeine wired, sarcastic theater nerd! I just will try to think about others more and make sure that I try to say things out of love vs. sarcasm!! I'm still a huge work in progress and will have to take it one day at a time!!

Update on fitness: I'm still on my plateau but I'm letting that worry go bc stress won't help my weight loss!! I have to thank everyone that has been so supportive during my journey! I have realized that through this whole year I have not only been losing weight but also learning how to approach the world in a whole new way. I am transforming everything! Not only getting healthy physically but also spiritually, mentally, and emotionally!!