Growth

"A man's growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends"~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Now of course people reading this may have a completely different take on this quote than I do, and I welcome the comments and discourse. 

I feel like this quote is talking about the successive (meaning progression or following an order) friendships.  As you grow up, you develop different kinds of relationships.  As a child, I always gravitated towards the friends that I had common interests with.  Like pretty much all other kids, I spent my days playing games and pretending.  I wanted a friend that could keep up with me when it came to pretending because I couldn't stand to be bored. 

As I got older, I developed friendships that were more of convenience and sometimes even because we were both outcasts.  As a child that was often bullied, I would become friends with the other kids that weren't quite part of the group.  Of course that sounds very sad, but I believe that since friendships didn't come easily to me and people didn't use me for anything, I feel like I have a greater appreciation for people.  Now of course, I sometimes have problems thinking that someone would use me for anything because I still have a tendency to think that I don't have anything that anyone wants or could use.  That comes back to me needing to evaluate more before devoting myself to someone.

As a college student, I spent a lot of time drinking and making friends over a pint or shots.  I believe that only a few true/close friends followed me out of college.  Those people have seen the best and the worst of me. 

And now, as an adult, and even more recently, like the last two years, I have found that I am seeking out more meaningful relationships.  I no longer crave the quantity but the quality.  I crave the ability to call my best friend up and have a REAL, honest conversation with her and know that she won't hate me or judge me for my words. 

I am supremely grateful for the lovely people that I call my friends.  There are 7 that I can truly call on if I needed something, and its a wonderful feeling to have.  They may not always be my favorite people because they make me hear the hard truths that I may not see or I overlook, but they will always be honest and loving.  You know who you are and I love you for it!

New Goals and Missions

Hey everybody!  I have new goals and new things that I want to accomplish.  I want to write positivity into the universe and try to downplay the negative.  For a long time I was struggling with depression and using this as an outlet.  Now I am just going to try to write twice a week and see what comes out. 

Yesterday, a friend of mine brought me a jar of quotes that I gave her for her 30th bday.  She insisted that I take them because I needed them more than her.  She is right.  I have been diving into my subconscious and trying to find my faults, fears, and patterns and try to change them.  I have also been reading Brene Brown's book: The Gift of Imperfection.  My psychologist recommended it a year ago and I only ever got through the first 2 chapters.  Again, I am trying to get through the content because it is a heavy book.  Wonderful, but a lot to take on and actually try to look at yourself.  I do recommend it to anyone that is curious or struggles with feeling like they have to be perfect or everything for everyone.

The book is challenging all of my beliefs about how I have to be perfect all the time, how to be my true authentic self, and how to pick out people in my life that are worthy of trust, me opening up to them.  The last part might sound kind of harsh, but bear with me.  I have had a bad habit (pattern) where I open up to everyone and bluntly put my vulnerabilities on the line just to get crushed or heartbroken (by friends and lovers).  Its hard for me to have a surface (shallow) relationship with someone, and I need to learn how to make a distinction between a true friend and someone that is fun to spend time with but not necessarily someone that can handle my truth/vulnerabilities. 

This is a very hard and intimate journey that I am going to travel, but on the other side I will be a stronger and braver person.  Might be a few friends shorter, but I will find the ones that are quality and not just the quantity that I have always had.

So the journey:
-Go through the book step by step and report my progress on here.
-Grab a quote from the jar daily and spend a little time talking about it. 

Month of Thanks

I don't really buy into the 30 days of Thanks that everyone does on facebook.  There are two reasons for that:
1. I would forget around day 3 and then have to catch up the rest of the month on Thanksgiving and they would be crap
2. I feel like November should not be the only month where we post what we are thankful for.  You should be thankful all the time and try not to take anything for granted.

Well here is my list of what I am thankful for in no particular order.  I was reading some people's post on facebook and I realize that I am so blessed and it is so easy to get lulled into a false sense of security and never really appreciate what is around you. 

1. God

I know a lot of people that are my friends know that I am a Christian but sadly may not know how important my faith is to me.  No I am not a regular church goer because I have a hard time connecting to churches in general, but I do love Jesus and try to worship in my own way everyday. 

God has played a big part in my journey all my life but specifically the last year.  I had lost my faith a few years back because of lack of study and also really bad unhealthy Christians around me.  I had become jaded because of people's use of Christian when they weren't Christ like at all.  So I walked back to God with the help of Lisa and Rachel.  Lisa saw my need and pain and directed me to a program at Southcrest church in Newnan where I met Rachel.  Rachel was completely patient and helped me delve into my issues and questions about God.  I never realized how far I had gotten until I was directed back.  God has guided me to this exact point where I am today because I needed to feel it and experience it.  Without all of the trails that I have gone through I would have never become the compassionate person that I am today.  God gave me the strength to get through this year and find a new path.  A new path that will help me work towards my goals. 

2. Family

Anyone that has met me knows that I am freakishly close to my family.  I think my biggest fear is losing them.  They are constant pillars of strength in my life.  My parents are the ones that instilled in me that I needed to always try my best and never half ass anything.  My parents are amazing because they are allowing me to follow my dreams of going back to school and have taken me to raise again (since financial aid isn't available to me).  They encourage me and challenge me.  I don't know how I would have turned out if I didn't have my family support. 

3. Friends

I have always struggled with making and keeping good friends.  They always somehow drift out of my life and leave me heart broken.  In the last few years that has changed though.  Maybe because I have settled down and don't want to change friends or because I genuinely have found a connection.  Throughout the years people have used me for my generous and loving nature but very few people have stood by me through thick and thin.  Even fewer didn't come attached with ultimatums.  I can remember distinctly a few of these ultimatums where someone had told me that we would no longer be friends if I couldn't make it to the bar this day or couldn't get out of a commitment.  That's not real friendship....

My best friends have shown me in the last year that I can rely on them if I need it.  They have been my cheerleaders, my shoulders to cry on, and understanding of my hectic, sometimes crazy schedule. Its wonderful to finally have this.  I love being able to be there for them just as much as they are for me and it is wonderful. 

Okay, I have to get back to classes!  And I have many many more things that I am thankful for but those are the main areas of my life! 

A Healthy Approach to Dating

I've never been a good dater.  I always get too close too quickly and always fall too hard.  This is partly my personality and partly because I've always struggled with my own insecurities.  If you know me, you know that I love to be close to people and get to know everything about them.  That's why I became a counselor and why I was so good at investigating.  I am not shy about being nosy and I don't really apologize for it.  Throughout my life, I have been insecure about people really liking me for me.  This is a reason why I am really good at acting because I have been doing it forever.  When I was younger, I would always find people that I wanted to be friends with and gear m personality to be who they would like. 

I have finally figured out in the last year that people like me for me.  Partly because I have finally gotten comfortable with who I am and not constantly apologizing for my weird little idiosyncrasies and eccentricities that make me Megan.  I've dated more guys that I can count but they rarely get serious because I am good at hiding who I truly am.  I can play the game better than most guys I date.  Well: NEWS FLASH: I quit.  I no longer want to play these games and refuse to soften, quiet, stifle myself to be someone he wants to date.  There have been many times that I have to tone down my personality and become less bubbly or friendly to be able to not make the guy nervous.  Screw him!  Be nervous or uncomfortable, because this is me!!  I want to be me, no apologies.

I know the consequences to these actions: I will scare off many men before I find one that can handle me, but in the mean time I will focus on school, family, and friends.  I'm pretty happy at this point in my life.  I'm kicking ass at school, eating healthy, and working out (okay not as much as I should since bootcamp isn't every morning for me anymore).  I have more loyal friends than I can count and I am thankful for them everyday. 

My plan for dating is: to guard my heart, really get to know the person, not sacrifice my character and life for them, and don't pretend to be the completely put together robot that I have so many times presented myself as.

World, watch out you have a Megan coming your way and she isn't apologizing anymore because I am worthy of that love and affection now, not when I'm the toned down, skinnier, prettier version of myself.  NOW!

Random goal

My goal for next Halloween is to be able to pull off Tom Cruise in Risky Business next year!!!! Gotta tone and lose weight! Not quite brave enough this year!!! 

Started plexus accelerator yesterday, hopefully it will give me the push I need. Bc my body is refusing to lose, but I'm maintaining.  

I need some good non boring low calorie recipes, preferably easy!! Help please!! I'm busy and need something different so I don't cheat!!! 

Stand still

It's been far too long since I felt my life was moving forward. It's like my life got stopped and I don't know how to take that next step forward. My brain seems stuck and I can't make it think the things I want it to. It won't listen to me. 

I have lots of confessions to make:

I've gained some of the weight back

I am eating like shit

I have zero motivation

I wish I could afford to go back to talk to my counselor. Maybe when I get paid. Maybe someone that reads this can help me figure out how to get the drive, fire and motivation back..... 

A perfect circle

It's like a merry go round that I can't get off of. I continue to chase the love in front of me but never catch up. I get distracted by the things around me but like that house I'm riding I gallop forward never to gain or move. The only motion I do make is up and down. I get the infatuation and the heartbreak but never the sustaining love that all of us desperately chase after. Again I find myself in the cycle where I allow myself to feel, hope, and fall in only to be disappointed and broken in the end. I'm very tired of that crushing feeling on my chest and the spinning of my wheels. I'm stuck in the quicksand of heartbreak and the more I struggle the more it pulls. 

Many of you read this hoping for something happy and cheerful. Sorry to disappoint tonight. The last two people really did a number on me. 

The silver lining is that I know it will get better and with each day I will get up and not give up hope that one day my horse will break free and I will get to the prize I've been waiting for. I will get to my goals whatever they are bc I am stronger than any emotion I have or any curve ball life throws at me. I will have the courage to brush off the dirt and hurt and try again. 

So tomorrow I will try again for one step forward and allow myself to feel and process. The outcome is unknown but that is half the fun is getting the surprise and taking the journey.