Growth

"A man's growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends"~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Now of course people reading this may have a completely different take on this quote than I do, and I welcome the comments and discourse. 

I feel like this quote is talking about the successive (meaning progression or following an order) friendships.  As you grow up, you develop different kinds of relationships.  As a child, I always gravitated towards the friends that I had common interests with.  Like pretty much all other kids, I spent my days playing games and pretending.  I wanted a friend that could keep up with me when it came to pretending because I couldn't stand to be bored. 

As I got older, I developed friendships that were more of convenience and sometimes even because we were both outcasts.  As a child that was often bullied, I would become friends with the other kids that weren't quite part of the group.  Of course that sounds very sad, but I believe that since friendships didn't come easily to me and people didn't use me for anything, I feel like I have a greater appreciation for people.  Now of course, I sometimes have problems thinking that someone would use me for anything because I still have a tendency to think that I don't have anything that anyone wants or could use.  That comes back to me needing to evaluate more before devoting myself to someone.

As a college student, I spent a lot of time drinking and making friends over a pint or shots.  I believe that only a few true/close friends followed me out of college.  Those people have seen the best and the worst of me. 

And now, as an adult, and even more recently, like the last two years, I have found that I am seeking out more meaningful relationships.  I no longer crave the quantity but the quality.  I crave the ability to call my best friend up and have a REAL, honest conversation with her and know that she won't hate me or judge me for my words. 

I am supremely grateful for the lovely people that I call my friends.  There are 7 that I can truly call on if I needed something, and its a wonderful feeling to have.  They may not always be my favorite people because they make me hear the hard truths that I may not see or I overlook, but they will always be honest and loving.  You know who you are and I love you for it!

New Goals and Missions

Hey everybody!  I have new goals and new things that I want to accomplish.  I want to write positivity into the universe and try to downplay the negative.  For a long time I was struggling with depression and using this as an outlet.  Now I am just going to try to write twice a week and see what comes out. 

Yesterday, a friend of mine brought me a jar of quotes that I gave her for her 30th bday.  She insisted that I take them because I needed them more than her.  She is right.  I have been diving into my subconscious and trying to find my faults, fears, and patterns and try to change them.  I have also been reading Brene Brown's book: The Gift of Imperfection.  My psychologist recommended it a year ago and I only ever got through the first 2 chapters.  Again, I am trying to get through the content because it is a heavy book.  Wonderful, but a lot to take on and actually try to look at yourself.  I do recommend it to anyone that is curious or struggles with feeling like they have to be perfect or everything for everyone.

The book is challenging all of my beliefs about how I have to be perfect all the time, how to be my true authentic self, and how to pick out people in my life that are worthy of trust, me opening up to them.  The last part might sound kind of harsh, but bear with me.  I have had a bad habit (pattern) where I open up to everyone and bluntly put my vulnerabilities on the line just to get crushed or heartbroken (by friends and lovers).  Its hard for me to have a surface (shallow) relationship with someone, and I need to learn how to make a distinction between a true friend and someone that is fun to spend time with but not necessarily someone that can handle my truth/vulnerabilities. 

This is a very hard and intimate journey that I am going to travel, but on the other side I will be a stronger and braver person.  Might be a few friends shorter, but I will find the ones that are quality and not just the quantity that I have always had.

So the journey:
-Go through the book step by step and report my progress on here.
-Grab a quote from the jar daily and spend a little time talking about it.