Exhaustion

I just keep thinking I have until the 13th until I am able to start sleeping again! That is when my play is over and I'll be able to get some rest.

Because of my exhaustion I don't feel like I can push myself as hard. And I know a lot of you are thinking that I should just sleep more. Lol....it will happen whenever I get done.

I'm so freaking frustrated right now, I went to the doctor yesterday and I had only lost 2 pounds. Its frustrating because my clothes just keep getting bigger but that weight isn't going anywhere. Yes I know that my muscles are more than fat, but shouldn't I lose some at some point. I wanted it to happen faster. I spoke with one of my friends who told me that lack of sleep will make you not lose weight. I also haven't been planning like I need to. That has been my goal this week to plan more. I've been doing okay.

On a different note, I'm not debating what I need to do for the rest of my life. Do I want to do more psychology or do I want to do speech therapy? I will have to look into how much school I need. Or do I need to do more social work?? I think I'm going to have to research how much work all of them will be.

I have very little entertainment in my life because I'm working, working out, and theatering.

There is one funny story....My friend decided to help me make a guy jealous so she enlisted a guy that I had met that day to make out with me in front of him.....It was hilarious and not helpful at all but the guy was a good kisser!!

Pet Peeves

Pet peeve: not spelling words like "baby" correctly because you decided that the "y" was just not that cool and an "ii" is better. ***Ridiculous***

This was my status this afternoon because I got a text from a guy where he thought he was trying to seduce me but in reality it did quite the opposite. He spelled baby, sexy, you, why, and numerous other things wrong in one text message. If I have to get an ebonics dictionary to interpret what you are saying to me, you will never get into my pants. Its ignorance not to understand common english and learn how to spell it.

I'm not even going to ask why he would try to dirty text me within days of meeting me (i wish i could say that i somehow gave the inclination that i wanted that). Again the caliber of guys you meet are well below my par. I need a man that will respect boundaries and understands that there is a time and a place for things. This guy i'm talking about above has made unsolicited advances and i've been a bitch every step of the way and he won't take a hint. Next step will be to tell him to fuck off. Which may happen tonight. All over the fact that he has no real courtesy and can't spell.

I really can't wonder why I'm single, its because I don't put up with shit and make sure that guys like this never meet the standard. Anyways i'm out to go dancing with Heather!! Also, I love that I swore them off days ago and now they are swarming me!! Boys are silly!

Cheating.....

There are opposing views on cheating.  Of course i'm not talking about those cheating dogs I date but a cheat day where you can have something bad for you.  I'm having that debate in my head right now, because I want to be good all the time but there are certain foods that I get a craving for and it won't go away (no matter what else I eat) unless I eat the food in question.  For example: tator tots, ice cream, sour cream/onion chips.  I will eat the cabinets out of the kitchen if i try to eat something "good" in place of these things.  As I'm writing this I am deciding that it would be better to eat a little bit of the bad food than a days worth of calories on other foods in the span of an hour.  I ate some tator tots today because I have been craving the fries/tator tots for days.  It doesn't help that I went to one of the best places for them, but instead of eating a tray full of them I ate maybe 10-15 and then ate a salad with grilled chicken.  I'm feeling guilty but I know my cravings.....I swear I'm worse than a pregnant lady.  I'll probably kill my husband one day with my cravings for food lol!  There are different diet gurus that believe different things and if I only eat one bad thing every so often then i'll be good.  So today the rest of the day will be perfect.

A Little Bit Stronger

I've been thinking a lot about how I'm doing with the work outs.  David is always saying that we need to push ourselves, and I always get annoyed by that.  I'm really working my ass off and I know that I am.  There are some days that I doubt myself because of all of my insecurities.  I'm getting closer to the group today and actually passed someone today (she has a pulled muscle, and I think she was being nice)  I'll take it until I can really stay in front of people!!  But this song gives me the inspiration because I am getting stronger everyday, and get a little farther everyday.  It also has other meanings concerning my exes and how I am now moving away from them.  I heard some stories today at our lunch about how a couple of people were in the back for a long time and it made me feel better.  I know that a lot of people started in the back but they had to work there.  They worked their asses off to get stronger and faster, and I will get there!!!

Today we did guts and guns and it was an amazing work out.  I used a red band for the first time today and it was hard!!  My arms are week and its an amazing feeling!  Okay gotta stop typing and actually work this afternoon!!!

House of Pain

Haha the clip below will make you more than likely pee your pants!  It makes me happy/feel twisted!!



Just like that video, the House of Pain is a torturous fun house where you kick your ass for 45 minutes and work every muscle in your body.  This is the 3 or 4th time I have done the workout!  It was awesome even though I am still the last person still running I am getting better at it and my core is stronger.  I continue to hate the mother fucking hill and it will probably be the death of me!!  Thank you John for loving us so much to make the circuit on that hill!

Guess what??  We have less than a week until opening night!  I'm excited but its still sketchy in some places, but they will get it together.  Where it is together it looks amazing!!!  I'm so proud of my ducklings!!  Okay well they aren't technically mine, but since the music, dance, and main director are in the show they feel like mine!

If you are at all confused with what I do, I am a counselor who is now addicted to working out (thanks Ms. Millard), and is an actor/director/dancer/singer at night.  There are some months that I am able to have a social life and actually get rest and there are others like this month where I work from morning til night and sleep about 5 hours.  I'm ready to be back to the slow season because I'm tired and not enjoying it as much as I used to (probably because before bootcamp I could just sleep until 7:30 am.  4:30 AM is killing me!  I'll get over it though because I know that I can get to my goal with this group!

BTW....if you read this and like it please like it on my facebook or leave a comment somewhere because I only believe that one person actually reads this....or not whatever!  Lets be real, I'm just writing it for therapy so I don't have to pay someone $50/hour to analyze that I'm crazy, unhealthy, and need a hobby!  Wait...that would be at the beginning of this journey, now they would just diagnose me as crazy or looneytunes!!!

Poopy Pants!

So Tuesday I woke up on the wrong side of the universe!! I bitched the entire time at bootcamp and felt like even though I knew it was happening I couldn't control it!! I felt like an ass for 2 days!! I had to apologize to everyone and make sure that I hadn't really offended anyone.

Negativity breeds Negativity. I need to remember this and next time I'm in a foul PMS induced mood that I actually keep my damn mouth shut and let the world go by. I wanted to quit 3 or 4 times during the workout that day and it was totally out of character for me because I usually only have to get up that hill for warm ups and I'm into it!

Its eye opening to realize that negativity is really like that. I could have had Shirley Temple beside me on Tuesday and she probably would have wanted to kill herself after my rant!! Again, I'm sorry guys!!

A good friend of mine called me out (not that I didn't know it already), but told me that I needed to get my head up and focus on my goals not on the stuff I am lacking right now! She called me a poopy pants!!! I love her dearly for loving me enough to bitch slap me when I need it.

After that conversation I started thinking a lot about why I keep having "funk" days after I have just accomplished something. I was thinking about what my "triggers" are for these feelings, and I have finally come to the conclusion that I am scared for someone to see me vulnerable. I don't like to show people that my over extended life is getting to me so I hold it in until I finally blow up or have a bad day! Its even worse when I am starting a relationship because I don't know how to show that vulnerability without looking like a wimp. I want to portray myself as a strong woman, but like everyone I have insecurities and flaws (what me?)

So over the next year, I am going to be working on becoming a confident woman who is able to let her guard down for those special people. I believe that is why I do the friend switch so often. I don't want anyone close enough to realize that I'm not always the wonder woman that I try to portray in public. Its funny because about once a year/2 years for as long as I can remember I have gotten a new "best friend". There are only 2 constants in my life who really know all my inner neurosis! I think that everyone struggles with it and I wonder if I will get better at it as I realize more of my own potential and worth. Don't get me wrong I have confidence but I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish that just haven't happened YET. I'm worried that someone will judge me for what I'm not. So all I can say is I'm working on it and I'll get better at it! And for now I can only try and get over this!

Booty Rocking everywhere!

Haha, that video is hilarious, but it was in my head all day with the booty blast work out this day!  And now I think I am stuck on the couch because it hurts!!  Dori did a great job with the little bands that kick your butt!!

So here is the start to a new week.  This week is going to be hell for me because we have 6 rehearsals until we open in front of an audience.  I'm gonna have to cancel my social life and sleep as much as possible.

Here is the low down on my life:

-Men suck (but what is new): I have now officially decided that they are too much trouble to be worrying about then during this time of change.  I mean I have enough on my plate without trying to add one more to everything.  The ones I like aren't worth it anyways because they just like to play games ("Quit Playing Games with My Heart"-Backstreet boys; oh yea running through my head)!!  It got to the point this weekend that I was dumb and actually tried to let one get between me and my friends!

-Theater is ridiculous!!:   I am stage managing a play and I think we can bring it all together but it is going to be a long hard week to get there.  A lot of people have been out the last week and it is very frustrating because its hard to run things when not everyone is on stage.  I'm also not very happy with some people because they decide to exclude people.  I'll deal with that person separately and ignore those negative vibes I am getting.

-Work seems to be getting good: Last week they decided to assign me 6 more cases which makes me happy because I have been worried about money for a while and it will help me get to my goal: Paying off the car and moving out of the parents after saving money

-Bootcamp rocks!!!!!!

I've been doing this for 2.5 months now and I am finally able to see where I have come.  I'm actually wanting to work out on my days off and I am getting to the point that its automatic to make the better choice.  Which Waffle House = no good choices on the menu!!!  I know I was there on Saturday night and the only redeeming quality to that choice was I immediately dance it off!!  On Friday and Saturday my workout of choice was dancing!!  My calves hate me for wearing stilletos 2 days in a row!

Yesterday I ran 0.8 miles without stopping which was extreme because my calves hate me!  Then we walked 1 more mile and jogged 0.2 miles again to get the full mile run in.  I was super proud of myself and then I ate "Its Greek to Me" pizza from partners (only 1.5 pieces; which is a good choice).  The pizza is meat free and super veggie loaded (you have to use a fork and can't pick it up until you are almost to the crust).  

Today I was staying with the group and I don't know if I was the last camper or not!! My hard work is pushing it and making me so much stronger.  Also, more and more people keep asking me about Bootcamp and I am trying to get as many as possible for friend day!  People that I don't really talk to and that is awesome that someone actually reads this thing and is motivated by it.

We are doing this weight loss challenge and I have no idea how I am doing because I am scared to get on the scale!  Hopefully it goes well!!!

Planking!!

So on Thursday I tried to do side plank for real for the first time!! Guess what? I did it and it was an amazing acheivement. I'm very proud of myself. I'm also super happy that I have been keeping up more and more. Yesterday I was falling behind but I don't know what that was about. I am struggling right now with some mental blocks. I keep thinking that I'm not good enough or I won't ever get to my goals. I need to learn how to stop that negative self talk and get with the program. Everyone is giving me compliments but for some reason I am not seeing it.

Thats okay though, I will do it and if I don't then I will be the most dedicated work out person to never lose weight in the history of man.

I'm still discouraged that I"m the last camper! I guess someone has to be and I will get there soon!! Well signing off because my friend is here for coffee.....check out the picture look how skinny my face looks!!!

April Showers!

Here we go! It was the first day of April!! 2 people I know joined this month and one of them didn't even tell me. She said that she found out about it from me talking about it every day. Interesting, people like my status, but i didn't think i would inspire anyone.

Anyways, so we are having a challenge: each person is going to pay 20 dollars and whoever loses the most percentage of weight wins. I'm going to win the money (which is about 300 dollars). Doris is already smack talking which will make it that much better when I win :)

Here are the goals for the month:
-Take 1 more minute off my mile!
-Run the whole time at the mile
-not miss any days!
-be able to do some full push ups (less modifications/alternative work outs)
-No more drinking lunch
-Working on better food choices

So here we go! Hopefully it will go well, and I'm glad that I have people that will kick my butt for the month!!

Also we did the color run and it was amazging!!

You think you know!!

You think you know but you have no idea!!! Here are some things you don't know:
1. I fall in love with my guy friends and get my heart broken easily
2. I cycle through friends bc i'll leave them before they leave me
3. I have no idea what I want to do with my life
4. I will one day be a mother
5. I'm super indecisive

Today I realized that I don't really know if some of the friendships I have had are not worth it. I'm thinking that I could walk away from them and maybe be stress free at some point.