Month of Thanks

I don't really buy into the 30 days of Thanks that everyone does on facebook.  There are two reasons for that:
1. I would forget around day 3 and then have to catch up the rest of the month on Thanksgiving and they would be crap
2. I feel like November should not be the only month where we post what we are thankful for.  You should be thankful all the time and try not to take anything for granted.

Well here is my list of what I am thankful for in no particular order.  I was reading some people's post on facebook and I realize that I am so blessed and it is so easy to get lulled into a false sense of security and never really appreciate what is around you. 

1. God

I know a lot of people that are my friends know that I am a Christian but sadly may not know how important my faith is to me.  No I am not a regular church goer because I have a hard time connecting to churches in general, but I do love Jesus and try to worship in my own way everyday. 

God has played a big part in my journey all my life but specifically the last year.  I had lost my faith a few years back because of lack of study and also really bad unhealthy Christians around me.  I had become jaded because of people's use of Christian when they weren't Christ like at all.  So I walked back to God with the help of Lisa and Rachel.  Lisa saw my need and pain and directed me to a program at Southcrest church in Newnan where I met Rachel.  Rachel was completely patient and helped me delve into my issues and questions about God.  I never realized how far I had gotten until I was directed back.  God has guided me to this exact point where I am today because I needed to feel it and experience it.  Without all of the trails that I have gone through I would have never become the compassionate person that I am today.  God gave me the strength to get through this year and find a new path.  A new path that will help me work towards my goals. 

2. Family

Anyone that has met me knows that I am freakishly close to my family.  I think my biggest fear is losing them.  They are constant pillars of strength in my life.  My parents are the ones that instilled in me that I needed to always try my best and never half ass anything.  My parents are amazing because they are allowing me to follow my dreams of going back to school and have taken me to raise again (since financial aid isn't available to me).  They encourage me and challenge me.  I don't know how I would have turned out if I didn't have my family support. 

3. Friends

I have always struggled with making and keeping good friends.  They always somehow drift out of my life and leave me heart broken.  In the last few years that has changed though.  Maybe because I have settled down and don't want to change friends or because I genuinely have found a connection.  Throughout the years people have used me for my generous and loving nature but very few people have stood by me through thick and thin.  Even fewer didn't come attached with ultimatums.  I can remember distinctly a few of these ultimatums where someone had told me that we would no longer be friends if I couldn't make it to the bar this day or couldn't get out of a commitment.  That's not real friendship....

My best friends have shown me in the last year that I can rely on them if I need it.  They have been my cheerleaders, my shoulders to cry on, and understanding of my hectic, sometimes crazy schedule. Its wonderful to finally have this.  I love being able to be there for them just as much as they are for me and it is wonderful. 

Okay, I have to get back to classes!  And I have many many more things that I am thankful for but those are the main areas of my life! 

A Healthy Approach to Dating

I've never been a good dater.  I always get too close too quickly and always fall too hard.  This is partly my personality and partly because I've always struggled with my own insecurities.  If you know me, you know that I love to be close to people and get to know everything about them.  That's why I became a counselor and why I was so good at investigating.  I am not shy about being nosy and I don't really apologize for it.  Throughout my life, I have been insecure about people really liking me for me.  This is a reason why I am really good at acting because I have been doing it forever.  When I was younger, I would always find people that I wanted to be friends with and gear m personality to be who they would like. 

I have finally figured out in the last year that people like me for me.  Partly because I have finally gotten comfortable with who I am and not constantly apologizing for my weird little idiosyncrasies and eccentricities that make me Megan.  I've dated more guys that I can count but they rarely get serious because I am good at hiding who I truly am.  I can play the game better than most guys I date.  Well: NEWS FLASH: I quit.  I no longer want to play these games and refuse to soften, quiet, stifle myself to be someone he wants to date.  There have been many times that I have to tone down my personality and become less bubbly or friendly to be able to not make the guy nervous.  Screw him!  Be nervous or uncomfortable, because this is me!!  I want to be me, no apologies.

I know the consequences to these actions: I will scare off many men before I find one that can handle me, but in the mean time I will focus on school, family, and friends.  I'm pretty happy at this point in my life.  I'm kicking ass at school, eating healthy, and working out (okay not as much as I should since bootcamp isn't every morning for me anymore).  I have more loyal friends than I can count and I am thankful for them everyday. 

My plan for dating is: to guard my heart, really get to know the person, not sacrifice my character and life for them, and don't pretend to be the completely put together robot that I have so many times presented myself as.

World, watch out you have a Megan coming your way and she isn't apologizing anymore because I am worthy of that love and affection now, not when I'm the toned down, skinnier, prettier version of myself.  NOW!

Random goal

My goal for next Halloween is to be able to pull off Tom Cruise in Risky Business next year!!!! Gotta tone and lose weight! Not quite brave enough this year!!! 

Started plexus accelerator yesterday, hopefully it will give me the push I need. Bc my body is refusing to lose, but I'm maintaining.  

I need some good non boring low calorie recipes, preferably easy!! Help please!! I'm busy and need something different so I don't cheat!!! 

Stand still

It's been far too long since I felt my life was moving forward. It's like my life got stopped and I don't know how to take that next step forward. My brain seems stuck and I can't make it think the things I want it to. It won't listen to me. 

I have lots of confessions to make:

I've gained some of the weight back

I am eating like shit

I have zero motivation

I wish I could afford to go back to talk to my counselor. Maybe when I get paid. Maybe someone that reads this can help me figure out how to get the drive, fire and motivation back..... 

A perfect circle

It's like a merry go round that I can't get off of. I continue to chase the love in front of me but never catch up. I get distracted by the things around me but like that house I'm riding I gallop forward never to gain or move. The only motion I do make is up and down. I get the infatuation and the heartbreak but never the sustaining love that all of us desperately chase after. Again I find myself in the cycle where I allow myself to feel, hope, and fall in only to be disappointed and broken in the end. I'm very tired of that crushing feeling on my chest and the spinning of my wheels. I'm stuck in the quicksand of heartbreak and the more I struggle the more it pulls. 

Many of you read this hoping for something happy and cheerful. Sorry to disappoint tonight. The last two people really did a number on me. 

The silver lining is that I know it will get better and with each day I will get up and not give up hope that one day my horse will break free and I will get to the prize I've been waiting for. I will get to my goals whatever they are bc I am stronger than any emotion I have or any curve ball life throws at me. I will have the courage to brush off the dirt and hurt and try again. 

So tomorrow I will try again for one step forward and allow myself to feel and process. The outcome is unknown but that is half the fun is getting the surprise and taking the journey. 

Taking the Excuses to the dump!

This has been a challenge for me recently because it has been so easy for me to stay in bed.  I have to convince myself to get out of bed constantly because I'm just so tired.  I missed 2 weeks of bootcamp, the most I have ever missed since I started in February of last year.  I just couldn't do it, I got discouraged and tried to give up.  The problem with that is that you start getting depressed and feeling worthless when you do that.  I also start drinking more when i'm not having to get up every morning at 5:00 AM. 

I want to outline my goals for right now because a lot of things are changing and morphing:

1. Go to bootcamp everyday that I can (may be impossible during hell week (theater) and if not at bootcamp then I must work out in some capacity (outside of dancing at the show)

2. Lose one more jeans size.  I want to comfortably be able to fit into size 16 pants by the end of October. 

3. I want to get below 200 by January.

4. Eat healthier everyday, don't cheat, just eat what fuels me.  If I do cheat (come on it happens), remember that it isn't the end of the world and just do better the next meal.  But don't cheat in the first place, yeah!

5. Drink 5 Aquafina (1 Liter) bottles of water a day.  I don't waste bottles I just refill them but that is how I measure them.

6. Be able to run a mile under 13 minutes, that is where it has been stable forever, and I want it to go down.  I would say by the end of September

Here are the changes that have been happening lately:

A> I decided that I wanted to change career paths so I have decided to start the process of getting into grad school.  Which entails me going to Clayton State for a year for biology classes and then getting into Occupational Therapy School. 

B> I'm doing a show for the first time in 2 years.  I will actually be on Stage.  I'm doing 3 parts in this show and I am super excited. Its a musical and all of you should come. 

C> I want to start branching out socially but am poor as crap!  I really want to sky dive! 

Alrighty I'm out because I have to start my dance rehearsal.  Love you guys! 

Blues

Some days you wonder why your feelings just won't go away. Today is one of those days, I've been trying to shake the heartbreak but it keeps settling in like an old friend. I'm no longer devastated but I do still wonder why I deserved that treatment and why I care so much still. I should be able to kick the blues permanently. A very wise person told me today that my deep lasting feelings were because I was actually in love with him fully and it is strength that allows me to admit that I am still hurting. I'm gonna get through this and be better for it.  I know, I hear people thinking "get over it already" and I tell myself that too but it gets better everyday. Today is an exception bc I found out that he was cheating on me and immediately started dating that girl when he left me. It hurts, partly bc I want the bastard to feel my pain and also bc I don't really get how horrible selfish people get the good things in life. Life isn't fair, but I do have some pretty awesome people who get me through. Now to work on what is really important: theater, health, and getting into grad school. Oh and go to work!! 

Being Choosy

 

Both of these pictures are very true for me.  I have realized that I always date fixer upper guys.  I need to learn how to pick ones that aren't mental patients, hobos, or mutes.  I have been going through some counseling and finally figured out that I am the problem in these relationships.  I subconsciously think that I don't deserve to have a great guy.  Its pretty cool that I have realized what my problem has been and I can work on my self esteem in order to start believing that I deserve more.  I can be told all day long that I'm great, wonderful, etc, but as we know people don't always believe what others tell them, and usually can make them think that someone is just pitying them. 

 

I'm working on my self esteem and its been getting better.  I tell myself everyday that I'm worth everything and anything that I want.  So that has been my focus for a while.  I'm also working on reading a book that is titled "The gift of Imperfections"-Brene Brown (I recommend it).  I have realized that I am constantly looking at my next goal and never satisfied about what I have. I'm sure that explains a lot about me, especially when it comes to being happy with others.  I'm very grateful for my friends/family and am trying to remember that I'm accomplished.  Okay, i'm getting distracted by the tv so I will type more, but I will try to type more soon! 

 

Next: FOCUS

 

 

Tragedy, and a little perspective.

Today was the Boston marathon, something that is a huge event where thousands compete and thousands more spectate. As you probably know there was a bombing today at the finish line. I heard this today and broke down. It takes a special kind if dedication to train, sign up, and complete a marathon. It makes me physically ill when I think that these people were harmed and someone would place a bomb at an event like this. Yes I know it has happened before and may happen again, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around the evil in the world.

If you have ever read my blog you know my journey, and today I had a sobering moment where my "tragedy" was put I to perspective. I am a very blessed person who has never had to be through one of these tragedies and I pray for everyone that has been touched by this!!

Through the last few weeks I have also gotten some perspective from diving into the Bible. God has shown me that my focus has been so selfish and petty. I have been working on that and sincerely apologize to anyone that I have hurt through my selfishness. I have realized that my hurts I have been going through are all in a huge effort to get me to become a real Christian. I'm sure some of my non religious friends just cringed at that label bc they think of the fake Christians that judge and act like they are perfect. Well I can say that I was a fake Christian for a long time bc I could tell you all the answers but it never felt real to me. Today it feels real and I'm actually studying it and care about what God says. Don't worry I'm not going to become preachy or judgmental bc that still annoys me. I'm me but my focus has changed towards something that isn't me based.

I'm still going to be a neurotic, caffeine wired, sarcastic theater nerd! I just will try to think about others more and make sure that I try to say things out of love vs. sarcasm!! I'm still a huge work in progress and will have to take it one day at a time!!

Update on fitness: I'm still on my plateau but I'm letting that worry go bc stress won't help my weight loss!! I have to thank everyone that has been so supportive during my journey! I have realized that through this whole year I have not only been losing weight but also learning how to approach the world in a whole new way. I am transforming everything! Not only getting healthy physically but also spiritually, mentally, and emotionally!!

Tragedy, and a little perspective.

Today was the Boston marathon, something that is a huge event where thousands compete and thousands more spectate. As you probably know there was a bombing today at the finish line. I heard this today and broke down. It takes a special kind if dedication to train, sign up, and complete a marathon. It makes me physically ill when I think that these people were harmed and someone would place a bomb at an event like this. Yes I know it has happened before and may happen again, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around the evil in the world.

If you have ever read my blog you know my journey, and today I had a sobering moment where my "tragedy" was put I to perspective. I am a very blessed person who has never had to be through one of these tragedies and I pray for everyone that has been touched by this!!

Through the last few weeks I have also gotten some perspective from diving into the Bible. God has shown me that my focus has been so selfish and petty. I have been working on that and sincerely apologize to anyone that I have hurt through my selfishness. I have realized that my hurts I have been going through are all in a huge effort to get me to become a real Christian. I'm sure some of my non religious friends just cringed at that label bc they think of the fake Christians that judge and act like they are perfect. Well I can say that I was a fake Christian for a long time bc I could tell you all the answers but it never felt real to me. Today it feels real and I'm actually studying it and care about what God says. Don't worry I'm not going to become preachy or judgmental bc that still annoys me. I'm me but my focus has changed towards something that isn't me based.

I'm still going to be a neurotic, caffeine wired, sarcastic theater nerd! I just will try to think about others more and make sure that I try to say things out of love vs. sarcasm!! I'm still a huge work in progress and will have to take it one day at a time!!

Update on fitness: I'm still on my plateau but I'm letting that worry go bc stress won't help my weight loss!! I have to thank everyone that has been so supportive during my journey! I have realized that through this whole year I have not only been losing weight but also learning how to approach the world in a whole new way. I am transforming everything! Not only getting healthy physically but also spiritually, mentally, and emotionally!!

Positivity

I had a very tough morning today. Most of it has to do with the fact that I'm exhausted from working out twice a day this month. I have been struggling with the number on the scale a lot and it seems like its staying stagnant right above 250. Yes I'm losing inches and poundage but that number is haunting my sleep.

This morning I was super sore from my workouts yesterday and got down on myself. I, of course, broke down and decided to have a pity party but luckily was given a positive talking to from two amazing men (Leo/Ernie). They made me stop saying "not" and start thinking about what I have done. I have these negative thoughts (like everyone does sometimes) but have to combat them with positivity. I think my negative self talk is my greatest enemy.

So I'm working on getting off that train and taking never, not, can't, etc out of my vocabulary. You know why? Bc I can do it. I've proven that I can with every time I get up in the morning and every time I make the better choice eating. I do it with the picture below and the fact that I have lost 50 lbs in a year, and who knows how much I've changed my bmi! I never had it measured before but I'm sure I was off the charts. I haven't gotten where I want to be but I will get there. I will be stronger and have made the good habits that won't take me back to where I was. I have noticed that through this journey that I praise/encourage everyone else but forget to give myself that same praise. As Josh told me today "how long did it take to get unhealthy?" I answered about 10 years and he said "then give yourself a break bc 10 years won't be fixed in a year and look at how far you have gone".

The picture below is about a year apart!

March On!

So I just realized that I took the entire month of February off. I didn't mean to, but I've been dealing with a lot of things. I started counseling and also started working with a spiritual life coach (I don't actually know if that is the word for it). I realized within the last month that I am struggling with faith. I realized that I have been going through the motions with church and God; I had been trying to fill my life with meaningless things and plan my life. It didn't work and I'm at square one working through all of my issues. I am determined to be stronger and more focused.

The first steps.....

First off, I am starting counseling next week.  I will be working through my issues and my neuroses.  I want to make myself the best person I can be.  I also want to see why I ever let myself get to this point: eating, weight, allowing unhealthy relationships.  The hardest part was getting to the point of making the appointments.  I have always thought that since i'm a counselor I need to be able to fix myself but I have finally realized that we all need someone to talk to.  I am pretty excited to see what I learn about myself and what I can get from this.  I want to learn and grow.

Second, I realized today how far I have come.  There have been some new people coming around bootcamp who are close to my initial activity level.  I sometimes forget how far I have come.  When I started I couldn't run up the warm up hill.  If you are just starting to read my blog you should look at the first couple of entries.  I didn't know if I would be able to complete the 2 months I paid for.  I actually didn't know if I would be able to get through my work day after I worked out.  I never thought that I could quit smoking and now I have for a year since I smoked regularly.  My asthma has gotten better, it will never be cured but if I forget my inhaler I don't die.  I can't wait to see what the next year brings.  Also a giant shout out to the people who have given me hand me ups!!  I am accepting sizes 14-18 right now. Any donations would be appreciated because I am poor and need to save my money for my new wardrobe which will happen in the next year or so.

So in conclusion: If you are just starting out, don't give up!  It is worth the hard work you put in!  Don't let me kid you, it is not easy and it takes ton of dedication.  Don't be scared to ask for help.  I wouldn't have been able to get through this without all of the support I've had.  If you commit to doing one thing everyday you can get to your goals.  I went a little crazy and did everything at the same time.  If you can do that it gets you to your goals in less time (partly).



September 2011                                          January 2013

These pictures have made me realize that I'm doing something right!

Let go, Let God.

So i've been struggling lately.  My relationship status is back to single and its one of the hardest things that I have to do right now.  Not me being single but watching my sweet boy face the world without a support system.  He says he has to do it on his own, and that kills me.  He is probably reading this and pissed that I said anything.....(sorry).  I am a huge believer in having a support system around you and leaning on people for support.  I am just worried and that is what makes everything worse because I could deal with being single if I knew that he had a support system and people to lean on.  I could deal with letting him go as a boyfriend if he could accept my friendship.  I have been praying and I know that i'm supposed to be in his life in some form or fashion.  I'm not patient at all when things like this happen, the unknown scares the shit out of me.  I just want to be able to help.  The following video is called Waiting on an Angel by Ben Harper.  Its an amazing song and seems to fit.  

Well anyways, on top of that I am going to start counseling (me being counseled) because I need to get some of my insecurities and eating issues under control.  I just want to be the best person I can be and hopefully figure out my issues.  I'm gonna go now and get ready for work, but I thought that I would talk for a minute....

On a happier note: My 1 year bootcamp anniversary is coming up.  I need to figure out what I am going to do to celebrate.  What do you guys think?  Also that will be the 1 year anniversary of my job and my conscious decision to stop smoking even though my last puff of a cigarette didn't happen until July.  I didn't buy anymore after Feb 6th and couldn't smoke a whole cigarette after that either.  Josh asked me today if I miss it, and I really don't.  I still love the smell sometimes but I don't miss not being able to breathe in the morning.  The only time I contemplate having one is when I am drunk, but now no one that I hang out with often smokes.  So its so much easier when you aren't constantly around it.  Well okay, i'm gonna really go now!

Judge Jury Executioner

I have been having a very rough time with my anxiety.  I continue to delve into people's meanings about things and overanalyze/worry about every decision I make.  I know that I need to stop this but for some reason I feel like I do this worse than most people and don't know how I got this way.  As the title says, I am my own judge jury and executioner.  I make my own problems worse with this overanalyzation.  I wish I could turn it off but its much harder than that.  Life is hunkydory other than that.  I still have my job, I have an amazing guy/family/friends, and I'm studying for the GRE.  I shouldn't complain or worry.  Today I am editing my thoughts a lot because I feel like I might rant forever on here about all of my worrying.  You guys don't read this crazy blog for that, you guys read it for my strides in exercise and weight loss.  I hear you, I'm getting to it.  I know that this whole journey is about my whole life becoming healthier which includes my emotional health.

Anyways,
I have lost the 10 lbs I gained over Christmas Holidays.  I have been eating no carbs and following the paleo.  I'm not perfect but it seems to be helping.  I want to get down past the 250 mark.  I need to get below it and I will know that it is possible.  I have been struggling with cutting out the carbs again this time.  I love them and I am severely addicted to them.  I have fallen 2-3 times since I started again.  I have mixed feelings about having to go off them completely.  I think part of that is that I don't want my body to not be able to process them in the future.  What kind of life is that?  I need to stop caring about food so much.  I need to keep my mind busy so that I don't keep obsessing about food.  I know I have more willpower than that.  I can get this weight off and keep it off.  I will one day not be ruled by what I eat but until that point I have to keep my head down and eat what is good for me.  I have been throwing around the idea of doing weight watchers again but I don't know if I should.  What do you think?  I mean it did work for me, but paleo is working well too.  I know that there will be more dietary restrictions in different ways for weight watchers.  Hm.....we will see! By my calculations I have 100 more pounds around to go.  I didn't think that it was that much, but yeah.  I guess I have a lot more work that I thought I had.  But I have to think of it this way, I have   to continue to think that I have come so far.  I have lost so much and kept it off, and I'm doing it the healthy way.  Okay....woosah!  I can do this.  I can be healthy and bring on the sexy.  Okay, going to study for the GRE so that I can stop saying i'm going to grad school and actually do it!

The Horrid Holidays!!!

So I decided to fall off the wagon and tumble down the hill in November and December.  I ate everything that I wanted or could get my hands on.  I put back on 10 lbs.  I about cried when I found out what I could do when I don't watch what I eat.  So I have climbed back on the wagon.  I am doing a paleo challenge with all of the other newbies.  I have cut out bread/starches and am sticking to veggies and meats.  I liked the results I had before so I am doing this again and hopefully it will help me get this weight back off.

I got very scared that I was just going to put the weight back on but I just had to suck it up and just do it!!!  I will lose this weight and keep it off.

Here is the good news:  I officially own my car without a payment, my insurance company found me a discount, and I got a raise.  Also, I tried on a dress because it was pretty at Ross and looked at the tag and it was a SIZE 14!!!  Yay!!!  I bought it and it was amazing!!  My first size was a 24 in January of last year, so ha!

Also, I have the most amazing boyfriend.  I have been having anxiety and depression problems and instead of thinking that I am a horrible person, he helps me through my anxiety.  I don't know what else to say about him without making everyone puke!  Anyways, i'm gonna get back to watching the second season of Downtown Abbey.  Its addicting!!