PT test December!

So its been a long year.  There have been so many changes in my life!  I'm sure that if you have read my blog you know most of them.  Its been a whirlwind and there have been ups and downs.  I got to play Santa last night which was a joy because these kids were so excited about getting gifts from me.  I couldn't help but realize that my job really does help these kids.  I sometimes don't realize it especially when the kids are bored of talking to you all the time.  One of my kids get to go home from the group home he was in because he met all of his goals!!

We have Christmas tomorrow and I have been waiting on my presents to be delivered.  Of course I didn't order them until Tuesday, oops!!  I think I did pretty well on the gifts, but I have to finish one!  Ben has been super helpful giving me ideas because my mind was blank.  Pretty much he is great and he gets to go with us to Virginia on Saturday!!  I'm excited for him to meet my crazy family and super nervous, but hey he already knows i'm crazy so he will figure out where I got it!

So we have been having 3 day a week camps for 2 months now.  Its super hard for me to do 3 days a week for some reason, you would think that it is easier but I think the routine of having to go to bed at the right time is better.  When it is a 3 day camp I will stay up too late on some days and then forget to go to bed early other days.  Either way its been a great holiday season!

We did a PT test today!  It was not my best time but it was also freezing outside (literally) and super windy.  I did finally beat the 30, because I hadn't been able to get to 30 sit ups in the past months.  This month I got to 32 (in a minute)!!!!!  I have been having trouble with my shoulders so the dips and such haven't been that good.  I haven't gained or lost any weight, but one of my lovely co-bootcampers said that I looked skinnier, so I'll take that.

Also for anyone that is interested, we start another 6 week/3 day a week camp!!!  You guys should come and join me in the mornings.  I will be working out with people 5 days a week because I need to keep getting up, but the 3 day is a good way to get used to getting up so early!!!  Ask me how to join if you want to!

Many Blessings

There are many things that I worry about constantly, thats what you do when you have anxiety.  You worry yourself to death over the little things.  Lately I have been worrying about how I am going to pay the bills and get Christmas presents for my family.  I know that many people have it worse than me but I still worry.  I worry like probably 90% of people do.  We are told in Matthew 6:24 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.".  I don't listen usually listen to this verse very well, but I've been learning to with the help of some people in my life.  I'm learning to take it one day at a time and ask for help if I need it.  

I have to be happy because the most important things in life I have.  I have my family who puts up with more from me than they should and friends who are amazing to me.  I was told by my mom the other day that she prays for my happiness everyday.  I have forgotten how to pray for the good things lately.  I usually just pray for my wants and needs and forget to praise him for what he has done in my life.  Tonight How I met your mother (oddly enough) reminded me that my life rocks.  I have finally gotten what I have been praying for, for years.  I prayed that I would have people love me for me and not judge me.  I have finally surrounded myself with people that truly care about me.  I'm talking about everyone that I truly call friends.  Its kind of fitting that I have this feeling to write about this right before Christmas but hey lets be corny for once.  

I don't really want to talk about the workout thing because its been a rough month.  I haven't been eating well but i'll get back on it and I won't be conquered by my addiction to food.  

I want to think everyone again who has supported me on my journey and also to those people in my life that can get me to calm down when I have a panic attack (even when we both don't know whats happening).   

And a big shout out to my mom and dad who have their 30th wedding anniversary on Wednesday the day after Christmas!!!  I hope that I can be as happy and in love as you guys one day!  

2 in one day!!

I don't know what has gotten into to me.  I think its because I'm listening to the breathing of everyone in my house sleeping.  I don't want to turn on the TV so that I don't wake anyone up.

Here is something that I want to share for anyone that has been following my progress.  I started without being able to run up the hill that starts in the drake field parking lot and goes to the fountain.  If you ever think that you can't improve, you are mistaken.  That first week of bootcamp I never thought I would get past that hill.  I now know that the hill is manageable and actually getting easier every day.  I know that I never thought that I would get back to where I was in high school but I am now inching my way there.  I now catch myself when I start to say "can't" even though Charlie still catches me or hears me when it slips.

So moral of the story, don't say can't and you can always improve!!!

I'm a lazy lazy bum!!!

Hey guys!!!  I know that I have been driving you guys crazy not posting anything.  I've been super busy!!  Well kind of busy and the rest of the time I was procrastinating or doing something other than being on the internet.

First off!!  I did my mile time on 10/31/12 and I got a PR of 12:39!  It was super awesome because I was running with everyone else for the long run and we just timed it.  I think I had less anxiety because I knew that I had 3 mile times that I could choose from.  Wish I could do that every single time!  I don't know what my measurements are because I didn't do any of that because I was going out of town.  One thing I can say is that I have fit into the smalles pants so far.  I am finally able to wear my size 18 Levis.  For the guys that read this blog, you are probably thinking that every size 18 is the same, but it isn't.  Levis especially run small.  I also realized that since I was wearing the 20 jeans for a long time they were probably around a size 22 when I started this journey.  Jeans stretch out an I know that they were getting super tight.

On Halloween I went down to see my bestie Caro get married.  I also took Ben (the boyfriend) who is amazing and puts up with my craziness.  We had a blast and as usual Carolyn was beautiful.  I cried almost the whole ceremony because Caro has been my best friend for 10 years and she completely deserves all the happiness in the world.  Btw...Its gonna be a big milestone this month, I've been dating Ben for 2 months.  Craziness!!!  Its super fun and we get along great.

Back to the fitness part, I have hit a plateau with my weight and need to get back on the paleo or diet super strict train soon or I won't lose anymore.  I haven't gained anything but I'm just kind of sitting at a stand still.  Its driving me crazy.  I'm thinking that I have just gotten lax and have been too happy to think about what I'm putting into my body.  I refuse to gain love weight (the weight most people gain when they fall in love) because I have worked too hard to get where I am right now.  Oh and above are some pictures from the wedding and the Cattle Baron's Ball we went to!  Btw, that blue dress is the giant one.  They took 14 inches out of it and it fit like a glove.  Really?  14 inches, *pats self on back*!!!  Now to make Sheila have to take more inches out of it!!!

Anxiety is worthless!

So here goes guys.  I don't know how much I'll be able to type since I have to get going to work, but I know that I need to post something.  I was so anxious this morning and it made me run slower I think. I started the run this morning almost in tears because I was fighting myself because I didn't know if I could make or break my time.  Everyone was asking me about my time and I know that everyone just wanted to get me ready for the mile but it hit me wrong today.  Some days I regret starting this blog because it means that so many people are also invested in my success which can set you up for failure.  I think, what if I don't make my goals and disappoint everyone.  I spoke to some very special people who are encouragers for me and all of them said that my success is encouraging to others but if I don't make my goals I am not a disappointment.  Thanks guys for saying that!

I have to realize that my BIGGEST critic is the voice in the back of my head that still doesn't believe that I can do it.  I need to find a way to punch her in the face and cut her off on PT days.  I freaked out and made my breathing horrible for nothing because if I had just taken a deep breath and said screw it I would have done better.  Even though the anxiety I took 7 seconds off my mile 13:04!!!  (I thought it was more, but hey i'll take it).  I also beat my sit ups, dips, and did about the same in push ups.

So you guys know the picture of the giant dress??  My seamstress had to cut 12 inches off of it and is cutting 2 more out as we speak.  So 14 inches off the dress.  Can you believe that??  I put it on and it actually fit well (a little loose still, but it would stay up).

So here are the totals for inches lost so far:
Hips: 6 inches
Chest: 9 inches
Waist: 6.25 inches
Thigh (started measuring 2 months ago): 3.5 inches
Weight: 46 lbs.  I think I said it was 53 lbs, but it was actually 43 when I posted it and somehow did my math wrong.  I never thought that I would see 250 again and I will be lower than that in a couple of weeks.

I love you guys and I am so happy to be doing this and can't wait to do more!!!

Here is something to think about....Here is a picture that was from October 2011:

I look so much different now!  Its not until I see photos that I realize.  

Waaabamm!!

So i've been told that I haven't blogged enough recently....oops.  As usual my life is taking over and I need to take some time to write down my feelings. Right now I'm rushing through this because I have appointments this morning and I need to get done so that I can have the weekend to myself.  Well not to myself but won't be distracted by work!

So I know that I've talked about that giant dress that I had to order in January.  A size 24.....ridiculous!! Well I tried it on at Carolyn's bachelorette party!  Here is the picture:

Can you believe that was supposed to fit me in January.  I haven't weighed myself since Monday but I had lost 53 lbs.  What??  Can ya'll believe it?  I can't and I'm super confident.  There were a couple pictures in the last couple of weeks that made me realize that I'm getting thinner.  At the bachelorette parties I was looking at pictures and I noticed that my body size was getting to where it looks similar to other people's.  How freaking cool is that??  I don't know what to do with that.  I took the above dress to Ms. Sheila (our amazing friend/seamstress and she was laughing at how big this dress is.  She is having to take out 4 inches of material at least.  I still have a month until I have to get the dress precisely fitted so it could be more (well it probably will be more).

Dad wants me to go to grad school and is going to help me, I don't know if I told ya'll that or not, but i'm working towards getting that done.  Scary but true, and I've finally decided speech therapy

Also, I have me a sweet boy that is too amazing to me!  Its been a long time since I've actually been in a relationship and have never been in one.  I'm excited about the future and am super happy and comfortable with myself.  Anyways, gotta jet off to work because I am a busy girl!

PT test month 7!!!!!!!

Finished my mile this morning and was so happy because I bypassed my goal or 13:30.  I got a personal record of 13:11!!!  I am 15 lbs down which I said before.  I don't know if I expand much more on my goals, because I have all of mine spelled out.  

I did more dips and pushups than ever before and no alternative ones.  I did the same amount of sit ups, but Audrey said that I was doing them in better form than some people.  

I have some mental goals:

-Stop blaming the past and look towards the future

-Surround myself by only people who are truly supportive

-work towards the GRE test no matter how much it scares the piss out of me

-Push the positive thinking

-Get back with God: I pray often but need to go back to church.  I think i might get the book that Leslie recommended.  

I don't know if there are anymore, but I will think about them.  I gotta get ready for work.  

Accomplishing things!

So today was soccer day at Bootcamp.  It was fun even though I've never really played.  We had to do a lot of victory laps because we were rocking it!!  So anyways we were on the way back to the fountain and I had to do my first ever front to back!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm so freaking excited because that has been one of my goals from day one!  Now tomorrow I have a PT test and my goal is to get 13:30.  People talk about the PT test and I want to puke when they talk about it!!

Got stood up this week by a guy. I had a friend who decided to make me feel like shit.  They must have been harboring some feelings of anger and frustration with me before and this was just a catalyst for them to tell me everything they have thought for obviously years.  I'm an amazing person (no matter what my weight) and thats all I need to know.  People that want to bring me down but they can't because I will be successful.

Also with this Paleo thing, which I just started my 3rd week.  I have lost around 15 lbs since I started.  Its exciting and I feel better.  I'm still tired but I'll get better!   Anyways, this one is short because I'm a super busy girl that has to work all the time.

Goals

So I wrote my visualization earlier, but now I am going to write my goals, they are more concrete and go in sessions/increments.  I have to write these out because they just flit through my mind and I forget them sometimes:

Short Term:
-be comfortable in that dress I have to wear on Sept 7th for the wedding (its a size 18 and is a little snug on the hips): it fits but I would like some room
-not be the last person at OBC.  I will continue to push harder and be faster
-get in the smaller 18 pants (yes they are retarded and not all the same size; other women will understand this): I have never worn some of these because I thought at one time that I would lose weight but now I will be in them
-strengthen my core and learn how to get my butt down during those planks.  I have no idea when my butt is sticking in the air.  It is just like an alien part of my body because I have no idea how far it goes out or when i've got my body in a line
-I will continue this paleo thing and not cheat

Mid Term:
-I want to be in a size 16 by the time Christmas rolls around.  I want to be able to ask for smaller sized clothes for Christmas or go shopping with mom for Christmas and get some smaller stuff.
-I want to make it through the holidays and only cheat a little on this paleo thing.  I think that I could do pretty well and just stuff myself on the meats.
-I will run a 5K with my little sister!  We will be able to stay together (or at least I will keep her in my sights)

Long Term:
-I want to be in a size 12.  Audrey thinks that I will get smaller than that, but I don't know if my hips will shrink past that but hey right now 12 is a great goal.  If I get smaller I will get smaller I won't complain.  So by February I want to be in a 14 and by May/June I will be in a 12
-I will be able to complete a 5K and 10K.  I don't know if I want to do a half marathon but we will see
-I will be saving money for my own house as soon as I'm done paying off my car.

There are many more, but I can't think of them!  Feedback helps me blog more so please do!

Paleo Challenge

Okay so it has been too long since I blogged.  I know all of my fans are very sad!  I'm super tired and busy with my job and my non existent social life.

Lets be honest.  I was half assing the eating for a long time in this program.  I was eating well but eating more than I should have.  I didn't realize what I needed to do or I just hadn't had the motivation.  Something clicked about 2 weeks ago.  I realized that I was spending all the money to get healthy but was just doing nothing good for my body when I wasn't working out.  I also looked at some pictures from college and realized how good I looked.  Yes I know that I have changed a lot since February but I don't want to just do  okay I want to be amazing.

So a bunch of the OBC (operation bootcamp) people were starting the paleo challenge and I jumped on board (about a week late because I missed it the first announcement).  I got on board and have cut out carbs and sugars from my diet.  Yes I know that some carbs are great but I get some from natural food.  I am doing it for 30 days and am going to reevaluate how I feel at the end.  So far I like it.  Of course I'm having weird dreams about fruit, bread, and cheese.  The cravings get to you a lot but I'm thinking about my goals instead.  Josh (our fearless paleo leader) has been telling us to make a really good visualization for ourselves. We have a chat group so it has also been helpful.  Well I'm gonna share it with you:

I will be wearing my size 12 jeans and they aren't skin tight but comfortable.  I am waving to someone and my arms are not waving with me (meaning I have no more wiggle in the underarm area).  I will be in the middle of the pack at OBC.  I will be able to wear one of those curve hugging dresses that are tight all the way down.  I will be able to run a 5K and 10K.

I don't know if I will ever be a able to do a half marathon or if I really want to.  I guess I will reevaluate when I get to a good pace/endurance level.

Just so you know, I actually haven't been in the back the last couple of days at bootcamp.  During the warm up I am able to stay out front.  Today I actually wasn't in the back at all!  I'm so proud of myself.  I have gotten my mind right!  I don't know what clicked but I like it.

I have lost more than 10% of my body weight so far and will just keep going.  To be specific I'm down 40 lbs.  I have 70-90 more pounds to go and I have lost 12 lbs since Wednesday when I started Paleo.

Other than that, I thought I found the perfect guy.  Well as soon as we had a disagreement he decided that I wasn't worth talking to anymore.   I get discouraged with the fact that I just can't seem to find a guy that can handle me, but right now my journey is more important than that, plus I will have to beat the men off with a stick when I get to my goals!  I am sad because he seemed great, but I'm a force to be reckoned with.  I have faith in God that he has my life planned for me.

Back to OBC for a minute:
I couldn't have done any of this without my bootcamp friends.  I wouldn't have stayed without them encouraging me and showing/telling me that I was physically changing because as we all know we are more critical of ourselves.  I especially have to thank Dori and Audrey for always being the person who stays with the TLC (the last camper).  I don't know if that is what they get assigned or just what they volunteer for.  Without them I would have probably turned around the first week and never looked back.  I am so grateful that I have the OBC people in my life because on my own I wouldn't get up and work myself as hard as I do for them.  I love that they are there to encourage and push me!

People have been saying that I am an inspiration.  I still don't understand that because I am inspired by the people around me who kill the running part of things and look like models to me (my friends; i won't name people).  Anyways thats all right now.  I will try to be better, but ya know I'm crazy and busy!

Changes

Ok. So the two pictures I think I am uploading (depending on this new app) are kind of tracking my progress. The one where im with my grandma (aint she cute) is from Dec 2011, and the full length was from about a week ago.

As you can tell its pretty drastoc changes and this month there will,be more. I want to run faster, jump higher and complain less in the times to come.

Well I would type more but I have to go to work. Thankfulness I need to work on too

PT test and the week off!!!

Okay guys, I suck because I didn't post last week.  So here are the tallies:

Test/Measurements	May	June
Mile Run	14:06	13:47
Push Ups	10	11
Facilitated Push ups	25	17
Sit ups	26	28
Tricep Dips	30	32
Chest	42.5	41.5
Waist	40	39
Hips	50.5	50
Weight	273	269

Look at those numbers!!!!  I'm excited, I've got another book this week and I'm gonna kill this month.  I can't eat out anyways because I'm poor as crap, so that will help me out!   I'm going to be saving as much money as I can.  At this point it feels like all my money goes to the gas tank.

So the PT test went well obviously, and I was shocked when I got under 14 minutes!!!  Of course I also felt like I was going to faint and puke!  As per usual my running partner was Audrey and she is amazing because she pushes and encourages the whole time.  I'm getting closer to the group with my time!

I'm gonna kill it this month and my goals are:

Mile time: 13:30
Want more inches off of my hips (does anyone know what will help with that?) because my ghetto booty needs to get less large

Oh and this week off was fun but I can never take another week off again because I wanted to die today.  Then Kevin got us to do burpees after I thought i was going to hyperventilate!!  I made it through but it taught me a lesson!!!

The picture above is Katie and I at the lake this weekend before I decided to cut my hand open!!!

3 Dress sizes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guess what????  I ordered a size 18 dress last week thinking that I would have to work myself into it.....guess what???  It fits and I could wear it tomorrow as my bridesmaids dress for Sarah and Lenny's wedding!  You know what I had to order in January for the Caro's wedding???  I had to order a 24!!  I have dropped 3 sizes!  Who else is super psyched???  I never thought that I would get back to a size 18 (which is just one size of my smallest adult life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).  Btw, this is the dress pictured above!!

I'm about to cry because my goals are coming true!  If I got to the "size" I want to be, that means I only have 3 more to go!  I want to be a size 12 if possible....don't know if my body will do it (physically possible), but I'm sure as hell going to try!!!  

Therefore its on!!!

MF-ing hill!

So we have had 2 days of running up the hill by the library, if you are a bootcamper you know exactly what I am talking about.  Its the hill that pisses me off every day.  Well yesterday we did commissary list which consists of running a lap then doing an exercise while your partner is doing the lap.  Then today we did the relay races and had to sprint like a crazy person up that same hill.  Its horrible but I have made it.

Tomorrow is PT day.  I am concerned but hopefully I will do well.  Last month's mile was 1406 and I want to get down to 13:45.  I don't know exactly how to do it, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna make myself throw up.  Good times!

I'm gonna be crazy this next week because I have so much planned.

Rant warning:
Why do people constantly think that honesty is a bad thing?  I tell people the truth.  I don't know how to censor obviously and it freaks people out.  I guess that is going to have to be a goal of mine.  Who knows.

Also, how do you know if your fears are legitimate?  How do you try to trust someone when you have never had a good track record?  Can you really start over and leave the baggage behind?

There are a lot of people who say "let go and let God", but how do you do that?  Can I put myself out of the decision making and allow it all to be God?  Would life be that much easier?  I'm sure it would be....anyways off to shower and to work!

Plenty of Fish in the sea??

Okay, so last time I was on here I was getting all high and mighty about how I needed to worry about myself before I got into a relationship.  Well I have been on 3 dates since then.  The first one was with a cute guy who thought he was so cool.  He told me all the right things but since I haven't heard from him I'm assuming I wanted a relationship and he wanted sex.  He also got pissed off at a fly that was in the restaurant.  The second guy was adorable but more high strung than me.....is that even possible??  I felt like I needed to tell him to take a chill pill!  He was nice but he definitely was more friend material.  The third one brought me flowers and we went to a nice dinner and he seemed super sweet.

Why is it that the first guy gave me more spark than the last one?  Am I really just trying to have another unhealthy relationship?  Probably because I don't think I have ever had a good one.  Does everyone say that though??  Does anyone ever really have a completely positive relationship??

I mean take for example a friend.  She believes that I judge every move she makes and will hate her if she does the wrong thing.  I get offended by her saying this, but can I really blame her?  She has only had people that have been friends to her while she isn't doing anything "crazy" or "self destructive" (her words not mine).  Now to set the record straight, I love that chick because she is one of the most faithful friends I have ever had.  She also is the most encouraging and craziest!  I love my friends in spite of their flaws.  Shit, I'm one to talk, I do self destructive eating.

Do we always judge our current relationships on our past ones?  So in reality, are we all just self destructive and making self fulfilling prophecies?  Do I cause unhealthy relationships because I believe that all men cheat, lie, and are insincere?

I know that I sabotage things because I am so scared to get hurt that I want to know the end game before the game is even in play.  My patience is shot too, probably because I am in constant contact with my phone and don't understand how people don't do that.  Maybe because I am too connected to everyone.  I'm gonna try this week at Caro's to be detached from my phone.  I mean the only people that will really matter will be with me (don't be offended everyone, I just haven't seen her in ages).

Will I ever really figure it out?  I don't think so because no one ever knows what they really need or want and there is always a question in everyone's minds about something.  I don't know if I am done analyzing this, but today I am because one of my besties told me yesterday that I needed to just live and not think so much.....So here we go!

Anyways

So I ranted pretty well last night when I was writing.  I was so annoyed and have been thinking a lot about what I could change to get what I want.  Probably because when I was 17 I thought that by 27 I would have my first time by now and be married with a freaking amazing job and I would have that big house on a corner lot with a beach house down in florida.  Life turns out so much different that you ever thought it would.

I'm in an amazingly positive mood this morning.  I'm looking towards my goals and need to keep my focus on my goals!!  I'm gonna make sure that I get my life where it needs to be before I decide to put myself into a relationship.  I don't believe that you can be in a long term lasting relationship if you are still struggling with yourself.  Well I mean you can but i don't think its all that worth it.

So we have been doing ridiculous work outs this week.  And we had a day off on Wednesday, but you know what I did?  I went to the optional long run!!!  It was the first time i had voluntarily done that work out.  I'm pretty sore from it, my quads hurt, but i'll live!!  I'm also going to start going everytime they have one of those 4 mile runs.

I need to get away from the dessert.  I had cookies this morning and also ice cream and other things......gotta work on Protein > carbs> sweets!  Anyways, gotta get back to working!

Dating again maybe

I dont know why but I decided to go on plenty of fish.com today to reactivate my profile. Im obviously a glutton for punishment bc all the guys I didnt want to talk to messaged me. Or if they seemed cool they had one major draw back like telling me im not cultured enough bc I  dont know 3 languages or cant come out during the week. Are you fucking kidding me? My profile specifically says like me for me...... I also get a sad face when all those beautiful men dont message me. They have some horrendous flaw anyways (probably). There are a lot of ghetto ignorant people close to me

WHERE ARE ALL THE BEAUTIFULLY CULTURED AND WELL EDUCATED MEN IN THE WORLD THAT DONT WANT YOU TO CHANGE FOR THEM?? Riddle me that.... Or maybe I need some culture myself. Maybe im miss from the bubble girl who only knows what she knows and dreams of a day when she will be able to travel the world..... Better start buying lottery tickets or that will never happen.

I also have to stop reading romance novels and watching romantic comedies, that shit doesnt happen in real life.

I also need friends to set me up on blind dates :) any takers? How about 6 months from now when im healthier or a year from now when I make my goal? Or is it the personality that offends?

Someone asked me (not worded this was but the meaning was clear) where did I get off being picky? You know thats a good question and I answer it by saying that single life treats me well and I dont need a relationship to live but yes one day a relationship and all its perks would be great. Maybe im too independent in some respects or too dependent on my parents and dont need the companionship.

There are a million factors that contribute to why I stay single and I think its gonna take God smacking me across the face to really make me pay anyone attention.

In reality my heart is probably in a stage of healing still from my tortuous and unhealthy love life. I mean after I broke up with love of my life I floundered and havent been in a healthy one since. Who am I kidding? My first relationship was full of immaturity, lack of communication and unsolved childhood issues. We were convinient bc of the job, school, and friends. Eventually he said he never loved me buut continued to play those heart strings for years.

So what is the point of this blog today you ask? Well im asking myself whether dating/putting forth the effort is worth it. My friends think I should just get a fuck buddy but im not so sure that clouding the issue with sex is the answer. Will that help me be more objective or make me fall in love with my romantic partner? I think focusing on me/only me is the answer at least for now....but ask me next week and it could be totally different!

New Month, New Year, New Goals

Hey guys....so I went to Helen this weekend with my girl Heather!!  We decided to go out on Saturday and the above named picture was the winner of the Victory Rally on Saturday......Hot hot bike!!  Yep that skirt is that short and I felt like a rock star!!  We had so much fun and have way too many stories to tell!!

So someone asked me the other day why i was so obsessed with getting thin.  I don't think it is an obsession I think that I'm obsessed with meeting my goals.  I'm working to get myself to a healthy weight and that just happens to be 100+ lbs less than i was when I started.  Well what can I expect?  Its from a person that never has looked at me as someone who was fat.  I love her for that, but I know I'm not as healthy as I should be.

While I'm afraid of how I'm going to change, I'm also sick of being the background person when it comes to the sexiness factor.  I want to be the girl that the boys turn to look at when she enters a room.  Yes I know that some of you guys believe that I am already that person but I want to notice it.

Yes yes, my personality is great but once I would like to get the "damn she is hot" reaction.  I'm silly I know.

So today I started my 5th month!  Ernie tried to kill us and John celebrated my bday with 27 push ups!  Its pretty cool to see about 5 more people.  I think my goals will be:
-running more; stop less
-mile: 13:45
-do 2 more sit ups during the time (26 was last month)
-get my shoulder strength back

Personal goals:
-spend less money
-save more money
-sleep more
-spend less time on the computer
-spend less time working (meaning spend time more wisely)

Well i'll type more later, i'm going to bed soon because this has been a long not exhausting day!  My bday was amazing with breakfast made for me by my daddy, I had lunch with Dori, and mom cooked me dinner.  It was awesome!!

Everyday I'm shuffling!

I am writing today more than ever but I have a lot to say and I don't want ya'll to have to read it all at the same time!!

So David keeps singing the above song to me when I am running to make me remember that I need to pick up my feet.  I never noticed it before but I shuffle when I'm not pushing.  So that has been what I have been working on.  That and breathing. So i'm working to push more!

Last month I did:
Mile: 15:04
Real Pushups: 5
Girly Pushups: 20
Sit ups: 26
Dips: 29
Didn't measure but the month before:
Bust: 44.25
Waist: 42
Hips: 51.25
Weight on 5/4/12: 280

This month was a challenge but I have been rewarded and the numbers are in as of today:
Mile: 14:06 (all running; best time ever)
Real push ups: 10
Girly Push ups: 25
Sit ups: 26 (could have done more with more time)
Dips: 30

I had made my goal for 14:30 this month, but Dori told me that we were going to beat my best time which was 14:19.  Dori told me today that I couldn't be mad at her except during the mile.  She pushed me really hard and kept telling me to push it so that we could beat it!!  I am so happy that she did because I took 13 seconds off my first time and ran the whole time!!  I almost passed out but I am so happy!!  Look at those higher numbers!!!  Charlie says next month my goal is 13:45!  Charlie says with that goal I will be able to get to 12 minutes by the time my 3 months are up.

BTW....I have the BEST parents ever!!!  My birthday is on Monday and they are going to pay for 3 months of my bootcamp so that I can continue doing it!!  They are awesome because I was very stressed that I wouldn't be able to do it!!  I love it!  I get to keep the obsession going!  Now I'm off to pay my car tag and then I'm going to Helen for my bday!!!!

Between Love and Madness

Between Love and Madness lies obsession: Calvin Klein!

That is what Operation bootcamp has become for me! I'm obsessed with it. I am more dedicated to it then anything else in my life right now. I have been working so hard and I finally feel like I am doing some of my best work. I feel amazing! Right now I'm still up on my high from the morning! I can't get enough of the working out or the people that I do it with.

I've been struggling this month with the concept of what pushing really is. I have been pushing don't get me wrong but I have been holding myself back from pushing til I puke. I did that about 2 weeks ago and I finally did puke and I felt what I really was capable of. I'm not saying that I want to puke every morning but every morning since then I have had that feeling for at least a second. I'm obviously crazy because I love that feeling. I got that feeling this morning as I was running the last stretch of the mile. I get this head rush feeling and want to pass out but eventually I will be able to slow down my breathing and it will go away. I won't die....thats been the biggest realization this month....I will live through it!

Security blankets have also been on my mind. Since I had been smoking about a pack/2 packs a week for 10 years before I started this bootcamp thing I have been thinking about security blankets. I think I was smoking because it helps calm me. I still have those stressed out days and i think I want one. But guess what? I smell or take a puff of one and I am consistently grossed out. Heather has been helping me and refuses to allow me to have any when we are at the bar surrounded by smoking.

Another security blanket for me has been my weight.  I know that sounds crazy but I have never been thin or in shape.  I don't know what I will be without this extra weight on me.  I have always been the funny fat girl.  I have always been the one where people see me for my personality and not what I look like.  I want to continue to be that person and am scared that other people will only pay attention to my body.  Weird but I'm so used to how people perceive me and it may not be a legitimate fear for some people but its there.  I'm not sabotaging myself by any means and am trying my hardest to get past it.  I spend my time thinking about these things because this journey through bootcamp is not just to have a better body but to make myself better as a person.  I will not be just the pretty face!  I will be the beautiful person that I see in my little sister and my friends who are beautiful not only on the outside but exude an energy and personality that is beautiful!

I'm a horrible Blogger but I'm back!!!

So for some reason I didn't even think about blogging this last month!! Well here are some of the highlights from this last month:

-I finished Forum so I now get to sleep like a normal person well with bootcamp it is never normal, but i'm getting more like 6-7 hours of sleep versus 4.

-I had malfunctions of my stomach and missed bootcamp then my alarm wasn't set when I could have sworn I did and I missed a fun workout! I missed them running through walmart like crazy people!

-I have come to realize that I love sprints. I don't know if I will ever love long running but sprints I actually enjoy. I love them because you know exactly where you are going and have an exact end point that you can see. I know where I am going on the mile but its harder because I can't see the end. I know I know its mind over body and I can just visualize and I'm getting better at distance (more on that later!).

-I have become more positive and tried to keep my mouth shut when I want to curse like a sailor. I have gotten better at this but I'm still struggling!

-My little sister graduated from college with honors!! Katie is amazing and an inspiration to me. Katie is not a homebody like me and is much more independent that I have ever been. She wants to save the world one tree at a time and starting this summer she is going to be researching ecology near Albany!! Everytime I see her I think about how much I wish I could have an ounce of her drive and independence. I have come to love her boyfriend too, which I have tried to dislike him so much. He is a good/cool guy that likes Katie enough to hang out with her family whenever they are in Macon and helps her out. Him and I have talked a lot and I genuinely appreciate him and am glad that Katie has someone like that!

-I have decided that I want to be a speech therapist. I am going to start the process of doing grad school (aka taking GRE and applying). I will probably go to West GA but I might apply to somewhere crazy like Scottland or something so that I can branch out.....we will see. I will probably keep it safe and stay around here but a girl can dream!

-This is the end of the 4th month of bootcamp and oh how I have changed both personally and physically (you will get that info later).

Long Run and PT test

We did Long Run on Monday. All I can say is that I'm proud of myself because I actually ran all but about 1 minute of the 62 minutes it took to get around the lake. Thats 3.6 miles around the lake.

It sucks because my calves have been sore since I did that, but they just need to get over it. I also dislocated my shoulder sleeping wrong and now its been super sore! Really? I can't have a good story for it even!

Its been a tough month because I haven't been sleeping. I also changed birth control and it has more hormones so I have been eating like a crazy person. I really think that not sleeping affects my eating habits too. I think there are two factors to that: not feeling motivated to plan and also making me crave more carbs.

I think carbs have been my biggest challenge. I need some helpful hints on how to get the carb craving gone while still eating well.

I think that this next month I am going to do weight watchers points so that i can keep up with it more easily and hopefully cut down on my portions. Eating correctly has always been a problem for me and I know that I can do it; I think I just keep self sabotaging. My brain is getting the best of me.

For the PT test today, I did worse than I had before in time but I did jog the entire mile. I have never done that in my entire life!

Here are my stats:
-time for 1 mile 15:04
-5 regular pushups (one more than last time)
-20 facilitated
-26 sit ups (2 more than last month)
-29 dips (6 less than last month; but my shoulder sucks)

So here is to next month and working my ass off to lose more weight and inches and gain strength!!! I'll put my weight in whenever I get the courage to do that!

Exhaustion

I just keep thinking I have until the 13th until I am able to start sleeping again! That is when my play is over and I'll be able to get some rest.

Because of my exhaustion I don't feel like I can push myself as hard. And I know a lot of you are thinking that I should just sleep more. Lol....it will happen whenever I get done.

I'm so freaking frustrated right now, I went to the doctor yesterday and I had only lost 2 pounds. Its frustrating because my clothes just keep getting bigger but that weight isn't going anywhere. Yes I know that my muscles are more than fat, but shouldn't I lose some at some point. I wanted it to happen faster. I spoke with one of my friends who told me that lack of sleep will make you not lose weight. I also haven't been planning like I need to. That has been my goal this week to plan more. I've been doing okay.

On a different note, I'm not debating what I need to do for the rest of my life. Do I want to do more psychology or do I want to do speech therapy? I will have to look into how much school I need. Or do I need to do more social work?? I think I'm going to have to research how much work all of them will be.

I have very little entertainment in my life because I'm working, working out, and theatering.

There is one funny story....My friend decided to help me make a guy jealous so she enlisted a guy that I had met that day to make out with me in front of him.....It was hilarious and not helpful at all but the guy was a good kisser!!

Pet Peeves

Pet peeve: not spelling words like "baby" correctly because you decided that the "y" was just not that cool and an "ii" is better. ***Ridiculous***

This was my status this afternoon because I got a text from a guy where he thought he was trying to seduce me but in reality it did quite the opposite. He spelled baby, sexy, you, why, and numerous other things wrong in one text message. If I have to get an ebonics dictionary to interpret what you are saying to me, you will never get into my pants. Its ignorance not to understand common english and learn how to spell it.

I'm not even going to ask why he would try to dirty text me within days of meeting me (i wish i could say that i somehow gave the inclination that i wanted that). Again the caliber of guys you meet are well below my par. I need a man that will respect boundaries and understands that there is a time and a place for things. This guy i'm talking about above has made unsolicited advances and i've been a bitch every step of the way and he won't take a hint. Next step will be to tell him to fuck off. Which may happen tonight. All over the fact that he has no real courtesy and can't spell.

I really can't wonder why I'm single, its because I don't put up with shit and make sure that guys like this never meet the standard. Anyways i'm out to go dancing with Heather!! Also, I love that I swore them off days ago and now they are swarming me!! Boys are silly!

Cheating.....

There are opposing views on cheating.  Of course i'm not talking about those cheating dogs I date but a cheat day where you can have something bad for you.  I'm having that debate in my head right now, because I want to be good all the time but there are certain foods that I get a craving for and it won't go away (no matter what else I eat) unless I eat the food in question.  For example: tator tots, ice cream, sour cream/onion chips.  I will eat the cabinets out of the kitchen if i try to eat something "good" in place of these things.  As I'm writing this I am deciding that it would be better to eat a little bit of the bad food than a days worth of calories on other foods in the span of an hour.  I ate some tator tots today because I have been craving the fries/tator tots for days.  It doesn't help that I went to one of the best places for them, but instead of eating a tray full of them I ate maybe 10-15 and then ate a salad with grilled chicken.  I'm feeling guilty but I know my cravings.....I swear I'm worse than a pregnant lady.  I'll probably kill my husband one day with my cravings for food lol!  There are different diet gurus that believe different things and if I only eat one bad thing every so often then i'll be good.  So today the rest of the day will be perfect.

A Little Bit Stronger

I've been thinking a lot about how I'm doing with the work outs.  David is always saying that we need to push ourselves, and I always get annoyed by that.  I'm really working my ass off and I know that I am.  There are some days that I doubt myself because of all of my insecurities.  I'm getting closer to the group today and actually passed someone today (she has a pulled muscle, and I think she was being nice)  I'll take it until I can really stay in front of people!!  But this song gives me the inspiration because I am getting stronger everyday, and get a little farther everyday.  It also has other meanings concerning my exes and how I am now moving away from them.  I heard some stories today at our lunch about how a couple of people were in the back for a long time and it made me feel better.  I know that a lot of people started in the back but they had to work there.  They worked their asses off to get stronger and faster, and I will get there!!!

Today we did guts and guns and it was an amazing work out.  I used a red band for the first time today and it was hard!!  My arms are week and its an amazing feeling!  Okay gotta stop typing and actually work this afternoon!!!

House of Pain

Haha the clip below will make you more than likely pee your pants!  It makes me happy/feel twisted!!



Just like that video, the House of Pain is a torturous fun house where you kick your ass for 45 minutes and work every muscle in your body.  This is the 3 or 4th time I have done the workout!  It was awesome even though I am still the last person still running I am getting better at it and my core is stronger.  I continue to hate the mother fucking hill and it will probably be the death of me!!  Thank you John for loving us so much to make the circuit on that hill!

Guess what??  We have less than a week until opening night!  I'm excited but its still sketchy in some places, but they will get it together.  Where it is together it looks amazing!!!  I'm so proud of my ducklings!!  Okay well they aren't technically mine, but since the music, dance, and main director are in the show they feel like mine!

If you are at all confused with what I do, I am a counselor who is now addicted to working out (thanks Ms. Millard), and is an actor/director/dancer/singer at night.  There are some months that I am able to have a social life and actually get rest and there are others like this month where I work from morning til night and sleep about 5 hours.  I'm ready to be back to the slow season because I'm tired and not enjoying it as much as I used to (probably because before bootcamp I could just sleep until 7:30 am.  4:30 AM is killing me!  I'll get over it though because I know that I can get to my goal with this group!

BTW....if you read this and like it please like it on my facebook or leave a comment somewhere because I only believe that one person actually reads this....or not whatever!  Lets be real, I'm just writing it for therapy so I don't have to pay someone $50/hour to analyze that I'm crazy, unhealthy, and need a hobby!  Wait...that would be at the beginning of this journey, now they would just diagnose me as crazy or looneytunes!!!

Poopy Pants!

So Tuesday I woke up on the wrong side of the universe!! I bitched the entire time at bootcamp and felt like even though I knew it was happening I couldn't control it!! I felt like an ass for 2 days!! I had to apologize to everyone and make sure that I hadn't really offended anyone.

Negativity breeds Negativity. I need to remember this and next time I'm in a foul PMS induced mood that I actually keep my damn mouth shut and let the world go by. I wanted to quit 3 or 4 times during the workout that day and it was totally out of character for me because I usually only have to get up that hill for warm ups and I'm into it!

Its eye opening to realize that negativity is really like that. I could have had Shirley Temple beside me on Tuesday and she probably would have wanted to kill herself after my rant!! Again, I'm sorry guys!!

A good friend of mine called me out (not that I didn't know it already), but told me that I needed to get my head up and focus on my goals not on the stuff I am lacking right now! She called me a poopy pants!!! I love her dearly for loving me enough to bitch slap me when I need it.

After that conversation I started thinking a lot about why I keep having "funk" days after I have just accomplished something. I was thinking about what my "triggers" are for these feelings, and I have finally come to the conclusion that I am scared for someone to see me vulnerable. I don't like to show people that my over extended life is getting to me so I hold it in until I finally blow up or have a bad day! Its even worse when I am starting a relationship because I don't know how to show that vulnerability without looking like a wimp. I want to portray myself as a strong woman, but like everyone I have insecurities and flaws (what me?)

So over the next year, I am going to be working on becoming a confident woman who is able to let her guard down for those special people. I believe that is why I do the friend switch so often. I don't want anyone close enough to realize that I'm not always the wonder woman that I try to portray in public. Its funny because about once a year/2 years for as long as I can remember I have gotten a new "best friend". There are only 2 constants in my life who really know all my inner neurosis! I think that everyone struggles with it and I wonder if I will get better at it as I realize more of my own potential and worth. Don't get me wrong I have confidence but I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish that just haven't happened YET. I'm worried that someone will judge me for what I'm not. So all I can say is I'm working on it and I'll get better at it! And for now I can only try and get over this!

Booty Rocking everywhere!

Haha, that video is hilarious, but it was in my head all day with the booty blast work out this day!  And now I think I am stuck on the couch because it hurts!!  Dori did a great job with the little bands that kick your butt!!

So here is the start to a new week.  This week is going to be hell for me because we have 6 rehearsals until we open in front of an audience.  I'm gonna have to cancel my social life and sleep as much as possible.

Here is the low down on my life:

-Men suck (but what is new): I have now officially decided that they are too much trouble to be worrying about then during this time of change.  I mean I have enough on my plate without trying to add one more to everything.  The ones I like aren't worth it anyways because they just like to play games ("Quit Playing Games with My Heart"-Backstreet boys; oh yea running through my head)!!  It got to the point this weekend that I was dumb and actually tried to let one get between me and my friends!

-Theater is ridiculous!!:   I am stage managing a play and I think we can bring it all together but it is going to be a long hard week to get there.  A lot of people have been out the last week and it is very frustrating because its hard to run things when not everyone is on stage.  I'm also not very happy with some people because they decide to exclude people.  I'll deal with that person separately and ignore those negative vibes I am getting.

-Work seems to be getting good: Last week they decided to assign me 6 more cases which makes me happy because I have been worried about money for a while and it will help me get to my goal: Paying off the car and moving out of the parents after saving money

-Bootcamp rocks!!!!!!

I've been doing this for 2.5 months now and I am finally able to see where I have come.  I'm actually wanting to work out on my days off and I am getting to the point that its automatic to make the better choice.  Which Waffle House = no good choices on the menu!!!  I know I was there on Saturday night and the only redeeming quality to that choice was I immediately dance it off!!  On Friday and Saturday my workout of choice was dancing!!  My calves hate me for wearing stilletos 2 days in a row!

Yesterday I ran 0.8 miles without stopping which was extreme because my calves hate me!  Then we walked 1 more mile and jogged 0.2 miles again to get the full mile run in.  I was super proud of myself and then I ate "Its Greek to Me" pizza from partners (only 1.5 pieces; which is a good choice).  The pizza is meat free and super veggie loaded (you have to use a fork and can't pick it up until you are almost to the crust).  

Today I was staying with the group and I don't know if I was the last camper or not!! My hard work is pushing it and making me so much stronger.  Also, more and more people keep asking me about Bootcamp and I am trying to get as many as possible for friend day!  People that I don't really talk to and that is awesome that someone actually reads this thing and is motivated by it.

We are doing this weight loss challenge and I have no idea how I am doing because I am scared to get on the scale!  Hopefully it goes well!!!

Planking!!

So on Thursday I tried to do side plank for real for the first time!! Guess what? I did it and it was an amazing acheivement. I'm very proud of myself. I'm also super happy that I have been keeping up more and more. Yesterday I was falling behind but I don't know what that was about. I am struggling right now with some mental blocks. I keep thinking that I'm not good enough or I won't ever get to my goals. I need to learn how to stop that negative self talk and get with the program. Everyone is giving me compliments but for some reason I am not seeing it.

Thats okay though, I will do it and if I don't then I will be the most dedicated work out person to never lose weight in the history of man.

I'm still discouraged that I"m the last camper! I guess someone has to be and I will get there soon!! Well signing off because my friend is here for coffee.....check out the picture look how skinny my face looks!!!

April Showers!

Here we go! It was the first day of April!! 2 people I know joined this month and one of them didn't even tell me. She said that she found out about it from me talking about it every day. Interesting, people like my status, but i didn't think i would inspire anyone.

Anyways, so we are having a challenge: each person is going to pay 20 dollars and whoever loses the most percentage of weight wins. I'm going to win the money (which is about 300 dollars). Doris is already smack talking which will make it that much better when I win :)

Here are the goals for the month:
-Take 1 more minute off my mile!
-Run the whole time at the mile
-not miss any days!
-be able to do some full push ups (less modifications/alternative work outs)
-No more drinking lunch
-Working on better food choices

So here we go! Hopefully it will go well, and I'm glad that I have people that will kick my butt for the month!!

Also we did the color run and it was amazging!!

You think you know!!

You think you know but you have no idea!!! Here are some things you don't know:
1. I fall in love with my guy friends and get my heart broken easily
2. I cycle through friends bc i'll leave them before they leave me
3. I have no idea what I want to do with my life
4. I will one day be a mother
5. I'm super indecisive

Today I realized that I don't really know if some of the friendships I have had are not worth it. I'm thinking that I could walk away from them and maybe be stress free at some point.

Loss

I lost 6 lbs this month.....not as good as I wanted to do but at this rate I will be at my 100 lb goal by May 2013!!! That is all right now!

Oh and I just measured myself!!!! I lost 1.75 off my bust, .5 on my waist, and 3.25 off my hips!!!

Generosity and Encouragement

As I write this blog I am tearing up and it is really hard to see. If you are close to me, you know that I have been struggling financially lately. I started a new job and it didn't turn out to be as lucrative as I thought it would be. I'm staying with the job because it does allow me to do things like bootcamp and theater and it is so much less stress than what I was doing.

Well today, David announced at the end of the pt test and during our monthly circle/share time that someone left a note in his mailbox with the money to pay for my bootcamp next month because I'm such an inspiration. I have no clue who would do that for me, but I automatically want to find out and hug them, bake them a cake, and who knows what else.

I had no idea that when I started bootcamp that it would affect anyone but me. I had no idea that anyone would care one way or another. When I first started I was getting offended by the "i'm so proud of you" statement because I thought it was people being condescending, but I have now realized that people really care how I'm doing and are genuinely proud that I'm doing well.

Anyways, Generosity is a crazy thing because I don't know if I would give up my money for someone else to benefit and I am so thankful for that because I don't know how much longer I can do bootcamp but I know that I will be able to do April and probably May since I already have half off because of all my faithful friends.

Also, Encouragement....I have no real words for what all of the instructors and other bootcampers have done to my mental/emotional health each time I get a sweet/encouraging word sent my way. Everyday I have a new or different instructor running with me, and a lot of times I want to quit and if I didn't have someone running beside me I probably would. Different instructors approach me different ways and each help me. Dori likes to push me and will get sassy right back when I start talking back. Audrey is sweet and continues to give me goals to reach. Josh and Leo tell me I can do it and continue to make me push myself harder. Scott doesn't take no or can't as an answer and makes me want to puke when I partner with him (which is a good thing because that means I'm kicking my own ass). Ben tells me silly things that make me laugh and make me forget about the fact that I'm working out. John tells me to breath which I completely forget how to do when running and Ernie gives me helpful tips like stomach breathing (breathing like a singer) which made me think of breathing in a whole new way. I know that there are a million other instructors that have helped me out and each one gives me that little push that helps me get through the work out! Today I felt bad because I couldn't tell each of them how much it helps me but it does!!

Btw....I'm in a large Tshirt (was XXL) and an XL work out pants (was XXL)!!! Also I wore out a pair of shoes this month and have to buy some this weekend before next weeks workouts!!!

Just Do It

So I've been slacking on this writing thing, but I've been more busy with other things in life. My job is finally picking up and I'm doing better at keeping up on everything I have to do for that.

Today was the PT test for the end of March. Here were my goals for the month:
-Take a minute off my mile
-get better at breathing
-do better overall on eating

I've had a tough month eating/drinking wise and I will have to do better next month!! I had the wedding and St. Patricks day, and if you really know me, you know I like to fake my heritage whenever there is drinking involved....I mean I start speaking spanish when it gets to close to May 5 (horrible I know). I have learned my lesson that all night drinkathons are not going to get me to my goals.

What does get you to your goals is motivation and a very positive attitude. Leo (one of the instructors) has been preaching this to me for 2 months!!! Well today it paid off!! My goal was to have a 15 minute mile since last month was 16:05.

Guess what???? As I crossed the finish line today I heard Josh say that my time was 14:19.....I almost cried, passed out, and puked of shock. I had no idea that I could even get to 15 minutes and now I do it and shave off 1:46 off my previous time. Goes to show you that if you believe in yourself you will do better.

I lost my book from last month so I have no idea what my exact numbers were for the sit ups, push ups or dips were, but I know I did more push ups and dips. I actually didn't do as many sit ups, but that could be due to the fact that I was still breathing hard from the run.

I have to figure out my measurements too....probably just call the bridal shop again, since they had the initial ones and I have the amounts that I took off of my body. I'll post them as soon as I have them. I'm also making a chart that I am saving on my computer!!

Support!!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart

I've been very appreciative towards my friends but not as much as this week!!! I told my friends the deal about friend day, and somehow I got 5 people at the friend day. My friends rock my world. Some of my friends have ignored my transformation which is very sad and discouraging. My awesome friends have commented and actually encourage me to become fit. My parents are also being very encouraging.

I'm having a problem right now because I am so tired from OBC, work, and theater. I have been contemplating skipping and this morning I cut off my alarm but my conscience got the better of me. So I kicked the butt of the workout!!!

Drinking and Partying

I think I'm getting old because it gets worse and worse each time I decide to party like a rock star. The other night (St. Pattys) I decided to party as any person should and pretend that you are Irish for a day. Of course when I walked into the bar I see my ex. I had plans for the following weekend to see him so I was thrown up that he was there at the bar. It upset me that I wasn't looking even sexier than I am now. Of course I really wanted him to grovel at my feet. It brought me down especially since I didn't even get to flirt blatantly in front of him. So with my body weight in alcohol in my body, I lost all inhibitions and ate fettuccine alfredo that night, bah!!! I love how I killed my diet by drunkenly eating. Why is it that all will power leaves you when you drink?? I should be able to stop myself from eating crap!

I think moral of that story is to spend more time sober and less time worrying about what these boys think. I've spent my whole adult life chasing after these boys that don't care anything for me!!

So my goals will come first before anyone that doesn't matter.

Oops I did it again!!

So I of course have been busy like a chicken with my head cut off!! I got through the first 3 days of bootcamp without any problem, but then I had to miss Friday for Tippy's wedding which was beautiful, but I drank instead of working out. I completely regretted it when I got back from Tennessee. I felt like a slug (many bootcampers told me this, but of course I don't listen to the wiser people around me). I got back on track Monday, and I about died in the workout (which at this point I can't even remember).

I have been planning more but its still hard to get more than 4 meals in a day. I have been doing well in bootcamp. Today we did 20-20-20 which was great. For those of you that don't know it consists of 15 sprints (10 seconds long) and 20 seconds to get back. You then do 20 strength exercises and then 20 seconds of plank. The workout is pretty much created by the devil himself! I've become a masochist with this working out thing.

I actually surprised myself today. At the end of the workout we did a 20 second sprint and they told us to give it our all. I started out not going so fast because i'm scared that I might hurt myself, fall down, die from no breath, etc (all excuses), and then I just let go and started running. I was able to keep up with people and I was going pretty fast. It felt good. God I'm a junkie!!

Anyways, I looked great at the wedding nice and thinner. I felt better when we were dancing! I love the fact that I have more energy but still miss all the sleep i used to have. I'm gonna try to be better about blogging from now on!! Happy St. Patty's Day!!!

Starting with a bang!!

I started with a bang quite literally this morning. I was walking through the house trying to be stealth and not wake up the house going to bootcamp and I stubbed my toe. Have you ever done that? It makes you want to instantly scream curse words and puke at the same time. I swear I broke my toe. The whole time I was driving I told myself to suck it up because it didn't matter how much it hurt I was doing bootcamp and the devil would have to take me out with something bigger than a poor little toe.

Today is the first day of my second month of bootcamp and my goals for the month are:
-lose more weight (i'm thinking 7 more pounds is reasonable)
-have a more positive "I can" attitude
-work on eating more/better meals (at least 5 per day)
-doing my homework when I have to miss (since I know I will be out of town at least 1 day)
-encourage others esp the newbies.
-take 1 more minute off my mile (at least)

Josh said today that we are outlawing the pity sounds. The grunts that you make when you want to die or want to stop an activity. We have to remember that bootcamp isn't something that is happening to us but something that we are doing to better ourselves. This morning was a day for grunts too!!! We did a moving workout where we started at the all childrens' playground, moved to the sidewalk, then to the picnic tables by the preschool, then sprints across the bridge!!! Those sprints were killer, but I noticed that I could push myself farther and better each time. I wanted to whine and bitch but I didn't and I just went through it. I was definitely out of my comfort zone because I have irrational fear that I won't be able to catch my breath again! What is with that? Did I almost die from not being able to breath one time? I don't remember anything like that. Great thing is that I get my breath back faster and faster each time I do the workouts so I need to just suck it up and go!! ;)

16 Minutes of Hell

16 minutes of Hell....well at least that was what my body was thinking during the mile on Friday. We did our second PT test on Friday to beat our times. During the mile I felt like my body was fighting against me and wanted everything to shut down and make me quit. My breath was gone, my legs hurt, and my body just acted like it didn't want to move. You know what? I didn't quit, and I told my body "bitch, we will do this mile and you will thank me when you don't have so much weight to lug around".

You know what else?? I beat my original mile time by 2 minutes, thats right I got it down to 16:05!!! I also did more push ups, sit ups and dips. Actually doubled my dips, did 10 more sit ups, and i don't know how many more push ups. Want to know my measurements??? I lost 4 inches in my chest, 2 inches in my waist, and 0.5 inches in my hips. I also lost 7 pounds. So hey, I only have 93 more to go (maybe more depending on how I feel at that point).

I was also named Bootcamper of the month because I showed up everyday and they say I had a good attitude. I guess I beat myself up about my attitude a lot. Others tell me that it is all mental (the running/working out) and I'm learning that is very true because if you are in a splendid mood you can do better than if you are in a depressed mood.

I know that I have a long way to go but I am going to change my attitude and make better food choices this month. I'm gonna work towards eating 5-6 times per day and drink more water (less soda). Well wish me luck!!!

Foodie

One big thing in bootcamp is to change your eating habits. I struggle with this because of my food addiction. I ate horribly before this experience. I would do my best for a while but get sick of starving to death all the time and would fall back into the comfort food routine. I have a problem giving up those comfort foods now. I love pasta like crazy and the bad thing is that I can't eat spaghetti that much because my tomato allergy. I love alfredo sauce but you might as well super glue fat to your body. I need to find another alternative that will curb my craving. If you are reading this please give me ideas.

Well Tuesday I had a breakdown at bootcamp because I was being critiqued for my eating habits. Laura says that she is surprised that it took this long for me to have a breakdown but that is beside the point. I got very angry and defensive about my eating habits when I knew they were right. I need to stop having those sweets and need to eat more veggies. I also need to remember to eat. For years I have lived off of 2 meals a day at the most and they were huge. I need to get into the habit of eating more frequently and less. I think that is the hardest part for me because I know what I should eat but I just want to eat like 3xs the amount I am supposed to at one meal. Like the other day I had stir fry and it probably equated to 3 servings of veggies and a protein and a carb. I should have eaten less of the stir fry or had 2 servings throughout the day. I don't really now how to change these habits but somethings got to give.

As Dori has said that it takes a lot of planning. I wonder if anyone could help me out with inexpensive good meal ideas since I'm on a pretty much negative money food budget. I have what my parents have in the house (which isn't bad) but it isn't all of the health food nut stuff. Yet again if you are reading this help!!! Anyways, I'm trying hard every day to make good choices like grilled vs fried, wheat vs white, and water vs juice or soda (not that I will ever be able to completely give up my diet coke). I just read the last sentence and I sound like a bootcamper (rolls eyes)!!

Funny Bone Pain

Its really not all that funny to hurt your funny bone. My knee has been bothering me for about a week (at least). It seems to be something during this bootcamp process. I mean once I heal my ankle I hurt my knee. I am powering through it though. I bought a knee brace and have been icing like I'm supposed to. I HAVE NOT missed a workout this month!!!

The breathing is getting easier also. I've been cigarette free since Feb 6th and when I have gotten a puff from someone it has tasted nasty. I can tell in the workout that I am breathing better and not getting as winded as easily. I can also tell that I am doing better because I am getting closer and closer to the group when we are running. I'm still the slowest person but I'm not giving up.

We did the LONG RUN the other day and when Josh said we were doing it, I about fainted, cried, and threw up at the same time. Thank god Dori and Audrey were both standing beside me and made me stay otherwise I probably would have bolted!! The long run for those that don't know is 3 miles (may be longer but its about that). I didn't run the whole time but I did run more than I would have that first week. Audrey stayed with me the whole time and they did back to fronts so the whole group would stay together. The more experienced runners stated that they like to run a lot so I don't feel as bad that people have to come back for me. Its still embarrassing but no one makes fun of me or gets annoyed with me. I felt really accomplished after I finished the long run. I would never have been able to do 3 miles in that amount of time before this.