3 Dress sizes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guess what????  I ordered a size 18 dress last week thinking that I would have to work myself into it.....guess what???  It fits and I could wear it tomorrow as my bridesmaids dress for Sarah and Lenny's wedding!  You know what I had to order in January for the Caro's wedding???  I had to order a 24!!  I have dropped 3 sizes!  Who else is super psyched???  I never thought that I would get back to a size 18 (which is just one size of my smallest adult life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).  Btw, this is the dress pictured above!!

I'm about to cry because my goals are coming true!  If I got to the "size" I want to be, that means I only have 3 more to go!  I want to be a size 12 if possible....don't know if my body will do it (physically possible), but I'm sure as hell going to try!!!  

Therefore its on!!!

MF-ing hill!

So we have had 2 days of running up the hill by the library, if you are a bootcamper you know exactly what I am talking about.  Its the hill that pisses me off every day.  Well yesterday we did commissary list which consists of running a lap then doing an exercise while your partner is doing the lap.  Then today we did the relay races and had to sprint like a crazy person up that same hill.  Its horrible but I have made it.

Tomorrow is PT day.  I am concerned but hopefully I will do well.  Last month's mile was 1406 and I want to get down to 13:45.  I don't know exactly how to do it, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna make myself throw up.  Good times!

I'm gonna be crazy this next week because I have so much planned.

Rant warning:
Why do people constantly think that honesty is a bad thing?  I tell people the truth.  I don't know how to censor obviously and it freaks people out.  I guess that is going to have to be a goal of mine.  Who knows.

Also, how do you know if your fears are legitimate?  How do you try to trust someone when you have never had a good track record?  Can you really start over and leave the baggage behind?

There are a lot of people who say "let go and let God", but how do you do that?  Can I put myself out of the decision making and allow it all to be God?  Would life be that much easier?  I'm sure it would be....anyways off to shower and to work!

Plenty of Fish in the sea??

Okay, so last time I was on here I was getting all high and mighty about how I needed to worry about myself before I got into a relationship.  Well I have been on 3 dates since then.  The first one was with a cute guy who thought he was so cool.  He told me all the right things but since I haven't heard from him I'm assuming I wanted a relationship and he wanted sex.  He also got pissed off at a fly that was in the restaurant.  The second guy was adorable but more high strung than me.....is that even possible??  I felt like I needed to tell him to take a chill pill!  He was nice but he definitely was more friend material.  The third one brought me flowers and we went to a nice dinner and he seemed super sweet.

Why is it that the first guy gave me more spark than the last one?  Am I really just trying to have another unhealthy relationship?  Probably because I don't think I have ever had a good one.  Does everyone say that though??  Does anyone ever really have a completely positive relationship??

I mean take for example a friend.  She believes that I judge every move she makes and will hate her if she does the wrong thing.  I get offended by her saying this, but can I really blame her?  She has only had people that have been friends to her while she isn't doing anything "crazy" or "self destructive" (her words not mine).  Now to set the record straight, I love that chick because she is one of the most faithful friends I have ever had.  She also is the most encouraging and craziest!  I love my friends in spite of their flaws.  Shit, I'm one to talk, I do self destructive eating.

Do we always judge our current relationships on our past ones?  So in reality, are we all just self destructive and making self fulfilling prophecies?  Do I cause unhealthy relationships because I believe that all men cheat, lie, and are insincere?

I know that I sabotage things because I am so scared to get hurt that I want to know the end game before the game is even in play.  My patience is shot too, probably because I am in constant contact with my phone and don't understand how people don't do that.  Maybe because I am too connected to everyone.  I'm gonna try this week at Caro's to be detached from my phone.  I mean the only people that will really matter will be with me (don't be offended everyone, I just haven't seen her in ages).

Will I ever really figure it out?  I don't think so because no one ever knows what they really need or want and there is always a question in everyone's minds about something.  I don't know if I am done analyzing this, but today I am because one of my besties told me yesterday that I needed to just live and not think so much.....So here we go!

Anyways

So I ranted pretty well last night when I was writing.  I was so annoyed and have been thinking a lot about what I could change to get what I want.  Probably because when I was 17 I thought that by 27 I would have my first time by now and be married with a freaking amazing job and I would have that big house on a corner lot with a beach house down in florida.  Life turns out so much different that you ever thought it would.

I'm in an amazingly positive mood this morning.  I'm looking towards my goals and need to keep my focus on my goals!!  I'm gonna make sure that I get my life where it needs to be before I decide to put myself into a relationship.  I don't believe that you can be in a long term lasting relationship if you are still struggling with yourself.  Well I mean you can but i don't think its all that worth it.

So we have been doing ridiculous work outs this week.  And we had a day off on Wednesday, but you know what I did?  I went to the optional long run!!!  It was the first time i had voluntarily done that work out.  I'm pretty sore from it, my quads hurt, but i'll live!!  I'm also going to start going everytime they have one of those 4 mile runs.

I need to get away from the dessert.  I had cookies this morning and also ice cream and other things......gotta work on Protein > carbs> sweets!  Anyways, gotta get back to working!

Dating again maybe

I dont know why but I decided to go on plenty of fish.com today to reactivate my profile. Im obviously a glutton for punishment bc all the guys I didnt want to talk to messaged me. Or if they seemed cool they had one major draw back like telling me im not cultured enough bc I  dont know 3 languages or cant come out during the week. Are you fucking kidding me? My profile specifically says like me for me...... I also get a sad face when all those beautiful men dont message me. They have some horrendous flaw anyways (probably). There are a lot of ghetto ignorant people close to me

WHERE ARE ALL THE BEAUTIFULLY CULTURED AND WELL EDUCATED MEN IN THE WORLD THAT DONT WANT YOU TO CHANGE FOR THEM?? Riddle me that.... Or maybe I need some culture myself. Maybe im miss from the bubble girl who only knows what she knows and dreams of a day when she will be able to travel the world..... Better start buying lottery tickets or that will never happen.

I also have to stop reading romance novels and watching romantic comedies, that shit doesnt happen in real life.

I also need friends to set me up on blind dates :) any takers? How about 6 months from now when im healthier or a year from now when I make my goal? Or is it the personality that offends?

Someone asked me (not worded this was but the meaning was clear) where did I get off being picky? You know thats a good question and I answer it by saying that single life treats me well and I dont need a relationship to live but yes one day a relationship and all its perks would be great. Maybe im too independent in some respects or too dependent on my parents and dont need the companionship.

There are a million factors that contribute to why I stay single and I think its gonna take God smacking me across the face to really make me pay anyone attention.

In reality my heart is probably in a stage of healing still from my tortuous and unhealthy love life. I mean after I broke up with love of my life I floundered and havent been in a healthy one since. Who am I kidding? My first relationship was full of immaturity, lack of communication and unsolved childhood issues. We were convinient bc of the job, school, and friends. Eventually he said he never loved me buut continued to play those heart strings for years.

So what is the point of this blog today you ask? Well im asking myself whether dating/putting forth the effort is worth it. My friends think I should just get a fuck buddy but im not so sure that clouding the issue with sex is the answer. Will that help me be more objective or make me fall in love with my romantic partner? I think focusing on me/only me is the answer at least for now....but ask me next week and it could be totally different!

New Month, New Year, New Goals

Hey guys....so I went to Helen this weekend with my girl Heather!!  We decided to go out on Saturday and the above named picture was the winner of the Victory Rally on Saturday......Hot hot bike!!  Yep that skirt is that short and I felt like a rock star!!  We had so much fun and have way too many stories to tell!!

So someone asked me the other day why i was so obsessed with getting thin.  I don't think it is an obsession I think that I'm obsessed with meeting my goals.  I'm working to get myself to a healthy weight and that just happens to be 100+ lbs less than i was when I started.  Well what can I expect?  Its from a person that never has looked at me as someone who was fat.  I love her for that, but I know I'm not as healthy as I should be.

While I'm afraid of how I'm going to change, I'm also sick of being the background person when it comes to the sexiness factor.  I want to be the girl that the boys turn to look at when she enters a room.  Yes I know that some of you guys believe that I am already that person but I want to notice it.

Yes yes, my personality is great but once I would like to get the "damn she is hot" reaction.  I'm silly I know.

So today I started my 5th month!  Ernie tried to kill us and John celebrated my bday with 27 push ups!  Its pretty cool to see about 5 more people.  I think my goals will be:
-running more; stop less
-mile: 13:45
-do 2 more sit ups during the time (26 was last month)
-get my shoulder strength back

Personal goals:
-spend less money
-save more money
-sleep more
-spend less time on the computer
-spend less time working (meaning spend time more wisely)

Well i'll type more later, i'm going to bed soon because this has been a long not exhausting day!  My bday was amazing with breakfast made for me by my daddy, I had lunch with Dori, and mom cooked me dinner.  It was awesome!!

Everyday I'm shuffling!

I am writing today more than ever but I have a lot to say and I don't want ya'll to have to read it all at the same time!!

So David keeps singing the above song to me when I am running to make me remember that I need to pick up my feet.  I never noticed it before but I shuffle when I'm not pushing.  So that has been what I have been working on.  That and breathing. So i'm working to push more!

Last month I did:
Mile: 15:04
Real Pushups: 5
Girly Pushups: 20
Sit ups: 26
Dips: 29
Didn't measure but the month before:
Bust: 44.25
Waist: 42
Hips: 51.25
Weight on 5/4/12: 280

This month was a challenge but I have been rewarded and the numbers are in as of today:
Mile: 14:06 (all running; best time ever)
Real push ups: 10
Girly Push ups: 25
Sit ups: 26 (could have done more with more time)
Dips: 30

I had made my goal for 14:30 this month, but Dori told me that we were going to beat my best time which was 14:19.  Dori told me today that I couldn't be mad at her except during the mile.  She pushed me really hard and kept telling me to push it so that we could beat it!!  I am so happy that she did because I took 13 seconds off my first time and ran the whole time!!  I almost passed out but I am so happy!!  Look at those higher numbers!!!  Charlie says next month my goal is 13:45!  Charlie says with that goal I will be able to get to 12 minutes by the time my 3 months are up.

BTW....I have the BEST parents ever!!!  My birthday is on Monday and they are going to pay for 3 months of my bootcamp so that I can continue doing it!!  They are awesome because I was very stressed that I wouldn't be able to do it!!  I love it!  I get to keep the obsession going!  Now I'm off to pay my car tag and then I'm going to Helen for my bday!!!!

Between Love and Madness

Between Love and Madness lies obsession: Calvin Klein!

That is what Operation bootcamp has become for me! I'm obsessed with it. I am more dedicated to it then anything else in my life right now. I have been working so hard and I finally feel like I am doing some of my best work. I feel amazing! Right now I'm still up on my high from the morning! I can't get enough of the working out or the people that I do it with.

I've been struggling this month with the concept of what pushing really is. I have been pushing don't get me wrong but I have been holding myself back from pushing til I puke. I did that about 2 weeks ago and I finally did puke and I felt what I really was capable of. I'm not saying that I want to puke every morning but every morning since then I have had that feeling for at least a second. I'm obviously crazy because I love that feeling. I got that feeling this morning as I was running the last stretch of the mile. I get this head rush feeling and want to pass out but eventually I will be able to slow down my breathing and it will go away. I won't die....thats been the biggest realization this month....I will live through it!

Security blankets have also been on my mind. Since I had been smoking about a pack/2 packs a week for 10 years before I started this bootcamp thing I have been thinking about security blankets. I think I was smoking because it helps calm me. I still have those stressed out days and i think I want one. But guess what? I smell or take a puff of one and I am consistently grossed out. Heather has been helping me and refuses to allow me to have any when we are at the bar surrounded by smoking.

Another security blanket for me has been my weight.  I know that sounds crazy but I have never been thin or in shape.  I don't know what I will be without this extra weight on me.  I have always been the funny fat girl.  I have always been the one where people see me for my personality and not what I look like.  I want to continue to be that person and am scared that other people will only pay attention to my body.  Weird but I'm so used to how people perceive me and it may not be a legitimate fear for some people but its there.  I'm not sabotaging myself by any means and am trying my hardest to get past it.  I spend my time thinking about these things because this journey through bootcamp is not just to have a better body but to make myself better as a person.  I will not be just the pretty face!  I will be the beautiful person that I see in my little sister and my friends who are beautiful not only on the outside but exude an energy and personality that is beautiful!

I'm a horrible Blogger but I'm back!!!

So for some reason I didn't even think about blogging this last month!! Well here are some of the highlights from this last month:

-I finished Forum so I now get to sleep like a normal person well with bootcamp it is never normal, but i'm getting more like 6-7 hours of sleep versus 4.

-I had malfunctions of my stomach and missed bootcamp then my alarm wasn't set when I could have sworn I did and I missed a fun workout! I missed them running through walmart like crazy people!

-I have come to realize that I love sprints. I don't know if I will ever love long running but sprints I actually enjoy. I love them because you know exactly where you are going and have an exact end point that you can see. I know where I am going on the mile but its harder because I can't see the end. I know I know its mind over body and I can just visualize and I'm getting better at distance (more on that later!).

-I have become more positive and tried to keep my mouth shut when I want to curse like a sailor. I have gotten better at this but I'm still struggling!

-My little sister graduated from college with honors!! Katie is amazing and an inspiration to me. Katie is not a homebody like me and is much more independent that I have ever been. She wants to save the world one tree at a time and starting this summer she is going to be researching ecology near Albany!! Everytime I see her I think about how much I wish I could have an ounce of her drive and independence. I have come to love her boyfriend too, which I have tried to dislike him so much. He is a good/cool guy that likes Katie enough to hang out with her family whenever they are in Macon and helps her out. Him and I have talked a lot and I genuinely appreciate him and am glad that Katie has someone like that!

-I have decided that I want to be a speech therapist. I am going to start the process of doing grad school (aka taking GRE and applying). I will probably go to West GA but I might apply to somewhere crazy like Scottland or something so that I can branch out.....we will see. I will probably keep it safe and stay around here but a girl can dream!

-This is the end of the 4th month of bootcamp and oh how I have changed both personally and physically (you will get that info later).