Poopy Pants!

So Tuesday I woke up on the wrong side of the universe!! I bitched the entire time at bootcamp and felt like even though I knew it was happening I couldn't control it!! I felt like an ass for 2 days!! I had to apologize to everyone and make sure that I hadn't really offended anyone.

Negativity breeds Negativity. I need to remember this and next time I'm in a foul PMS induced mood that I actually keep my damn mouth shut and let the world go by. I wanted to quit 3 or 4 times during the workout that day and it was totally out of character for me because I usually only have to get up that hill for warm ups and I'm into it!

Its eye opening to realize that negativity is really like that. I could have had Shirley Temple beside me on Tuesday and she probably would have wanted to kill herself after my rant!! Again, I'm sorry guys!!

A good friend of mine called me out (not that I didn't know it already), but told me that I needed to get my head up and focus on my goals not on the stuff I am lacking right now! She called me a poopy pants!!! I love her dearly for loving me enough to bitch slap me when I need it.

After that conversation I started thinking a lot about why I keep having "funk" days after I have just accomplished something. I was thinking about what my "triggers" are for these feelings, and I have finally come to the conclusion that I am scared for someone to see me vulnerable. I don't like to show people that my over extended life is getting to me so I hold it in until I finally blow up or have a bad day! Its even worse when I am starting a relationship because I don't know how to show that vulnerability without looking like a wimp. I want to portray myself as a strong woman, but like everyone I have insecurities and flaws (what me?)

So over the next year, I am going to be working on becoming a confident woman who is able to let her guard down for those special people. I believe that is why I do the friend switch so often. I don't want anyone close enough to realize that I'm not always the wonder woman that I try to portray in public. Its funny because about once a year/2 years for as long as I can remember I have gotten a new "best friend". There are only 2 constants in my life who really know all my inner neurosis! I think that everyone struggles with it and I wonder if I will get better at it as I realize more of my own potential and worth. Don't get me wrong I have confidence but I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish that just haven't happened YET. I'm worried that someone will judge me for what I'm not. So all I can say is I'm working on it and I'll get better at it! And for now I can only try and get over this!